


The World Goes On

by divybread



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Loss, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2018-12-04 04:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11547771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divybread/pseuds/divybread
Summary: Zhang Yixing is captain of a special ops team tasked with all kinds of public safety missions. Luhan is his best friend, second-in-command and many other things. Until a mission gone wrong has fatal consequences. And although time seems to come to a standstill for Yixing in that moment, the world goes on, and Luhan's position gets filled by a new soldier who makes things all the more complicated for him.





	1. 01:00

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: no descriptions of death, but this story focuses on the aftermath, so if you don't like reading about a dead Luhan, don't read

The world goes on.

That’s what they always say, but he’s never really understood it. Until now. His entire being has come to a full stop, but everyone else just goes on living like nothing happened. Because to them, nothing happened.

He’s about to fall apart, but a voice speaks up just then.

“Sir? … Sir? What do we do, sir?”

He isn’t even allowed to fall apart. The quiet around him is almost deafening as they wait for his decision, his command.

“We stick to the plan. We get them.” He takes a moment to breathe, then adds: “And we make them pay for what they did to our friends.”

Another breath and he’s regained his composure. His team gets to work.

The world goes on.

 

He manages to keep himself composed at the funeral as well. He even manages to make conversation with the wife, despite the images she provokes from his memories. Those very few times when he was over at Luhan’s house, when _they_ were over at Luhan’s house. He manages to keep his cool until he’s in his car, on his way home to e-mail in his resignation. When the light hits red right next to their favourite diner and he looks over to see Ayla pour someone’s coffee same as always, that’s when he breaks.

The tears roll over his cheeks seconds later and he gasps for air. Desperately trying to regain control, he manages right as the light turns green again. He puts the car in drive, quickly wipes at the tears on his face and then drives away, leaving the diner in his rear-view mirror together with the memories.

He’s less fortunate at home. There’s nowhere to leave the memories behind there because they’ve been everywhere. Every room, every place. The table, the couch, his office, the bed. Luhan has been everywhere. There’s nowhere he can go to shake him. It’s not long before he has to give in to his emotions, and he ends up in his office chair, wailing like a child, choking on his own sobs.

His phone rings suddenly. He quickly composes himself, runs a hand over his face and sniffs heavily a few times so he won’t have to do that while on the phone. Then he reaches for the device, checks the caller’s ID and picks up.

“Yes boss?” Years of training are the only reason his voice sounds almost normal when he picks up.

“Not long anymore apparently. What’s this e-mail, Yixing?”

“Ah… Yes. The e-mail. I… I can’t anymore, Lisa. Luhan’s been my partner for seven years. And now he’s gone. Just like that. I… I can’t anymore.” He curses the fact that his voice catches in his mind, but presumes he’s allowed at least a smidgen of sorrow.

“Look, Yixing, I get it, but… Try taking a break first, okay? You’re one of our best, if not the best. It would be a shame to lose you. I’ll put you on inactive until further notice and we can talk again in a month’s time, okay? Let’s start with that. I’ll pretend like I never got this e-mail.”

He’s too weak to argue. Tired to his bones. So he just hums, staring ahead of himself.

“Alright. Okay. Good.” The relief is obvious in his boss’ voice. “Take care of yourself, Yixing.”

She hangs up. He sits there for another twenty minutes at least, not moving, trying to cope simply with the weight of his loss, without thinking of the consequences. It crushes him anyway.

When he finally moves again, it’s only to go bury himself in the bed. Somehow, he hopes never to wake up again.

 

 

“Excuse me.” Yifan turns to see who’s looking to pass him by and comes face to face with…perfection. For a long moment, he’s unable to speak. The stranger starts frowning, probably because he’s still standing smack in the middle of the guy’s way.

“Uh… Yeah. Sorry.” He lifts the hand in which he holds the platter with beers, turning his body sideways to allow more space for the other male to pass, and follows the stranger with his eyes as he goes by.

“Oy! Kris! Beers over here!” He tears his eyes away from the stranger right as he sees the head turning to look at him and quickly focuses on his customers.

“Coming up. Sorry guys.” He sends the four men a smile before heading back to the bar. Positioning himself behind it, he starts on the dishes, cleaning out the glasses with practised ease.

“Scotch, please.” The voice again calls his attention and he looks up at the stranger once more.

“Coming up.” He smiles, then grabs his towel to dry his hands before starting on the man’s order. “Rough night?”

His question is met with silence and he knows not to continue to pry. But eventually the answer comes after all, when the man’s a few sips into his drink already.

“Rough couple weeks.”

His eyes shoot up again, focusing on the male once more. “I’m sorry to hear. I hope the drink can help a little.”

The smile that appears on his customer’s face is not genuine at all, laced with bitterness and a lack of conviction. The sadness seeps from the man’s hunched shoulders and sorrow-filled eyes.

“I wish.”

 

He doesn’t see the stranger again for a solid two weeks and then one day looks up to find him right in front of him again. There are dark shadows under the man’s eyes by now, like ghosts of whatever weight he’s carrying that won’t even let him sleep properly at night. The sorrow is no longer limited to the man’s eyes but it has seeped into every line of his expression. Yifan doesn’t know what to think of this man and his brooding looks.

“Scotch, please.”

He prepares the man’s order with ease and puts it down in front of him, giving a single nod of his head in greeting when their eyes meet. He gets a nod in return and a slight upturn of one corner of the male’s mouth in what he presumes is supposed to be a smile.

“Rough month?” He decides to try, because contrary to some this man doesn’t exactly look like he wants to be left alone with his pain. In fact, Yifan thinks the male might have come to the bar exactly to find someone to share it with. Or at least be distracted from it.

It turns out he’s right when their eyes meet again after the male has taken a sip of the drink.

“You could say that, yes.”

Yifan hums as he picks up a cloth to start cleaning his bar and parts of the counter where no one’s seated at. He allows the male time to drink his scotch and just mull over whatever he’s here to mull over. But when he glances up a little while later and sees the strain of held back tears take over the customer’s expression, he speaks up again.

“Weather’s been rough lately.”

The response is instant, a quick clearing of the throat, a few blinks and an almost expert schooling of his expression makes sure there is no more sign of the earlier pain when their gazes meet again.

“Yeah. Lots of rain. At least there’s less chance on forest fires.”

A huffed-out smile follows those words and Yifan’s eyes remain stuck on the dimple that suddenly appears on one side of the man’s face. It brings a small smile to his own face as well.

“Guess we got lucky,” he jokes. The lines in his customer’s face relax if even the slightest bit.

“Guess we did.”

There is no mirth in the man’s voice anymore.

 

 

“What do you say?”

Yixing closes his eyes as he leans back in his office chair, taking in a long breath while he ponders his boss’ words. She wants him to come back, of course. He has seen that coming ever since she refused to accept his resignation. The problem is that he’s nowhere near ready to return. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be.

The job reminds him too much of Luhan, after all.

It’s going to kill him to go in and see all Luhan’s stuff gone from his cot. Someone else will take his place soon – if they haven’t already – and Yixing’s just not ready to face them. He knows that he will resent the new person simply for taking Luhan’s place even though it’s not their fault at all.

“Yixing?”

He releases the breath he doesn’t realise he’s been holding, opening his eyes again and looking straight at a picture of his team and him when they were celebrating the success of their biggest mission to date. Luhan’s in it too, of course, an arm wrapped around Yixing’s shoulders, a happy smile plastered on his face. Luhan has always had the brightest smile. It has always been able to brighten Yixing’s spirits, no matter the situation. A simple flash of that smile and he’d been sold. Anytime, anyplace.

The thought that he’ll never be able to see that smile again right before a big operation hurts him more than he ever wants to admit to anyone. Including his boss.

“I’ll try. Tomorrow.”

“Great!” There’s too much happiness in his boss’ voice. He knows she’s assuming this means he’ll definitely be back. He can’t allow her to depend on that thought too much, because he’s more than certain that he won’t be able to last even one hour in the barracls.

“No promises, Lisa. I might not be able to do it. Then I’ll quit. For real this time.”

“I understand, Yixing. But… At least give it a few days. It’s going to be hard, but you can’t just quit from the first day. You have to allow yourself some time to adjust.”

He wants to scream. He doesn’t want to adjust. Not to a life in which there is no more Luhan. Especially not to a job where he gets a new partner who’s going to be standing in Luhan’s shoes. No one can live up to that name.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then, Yixing.” His boss gives him no time to change his mind, of course. She’s expecting him tomorrow and she’s expecting him to perform up to par with what he used to be. She doesn’t understand that he was only half of a team, that without the other side of his coin he won’t be able to perform as he has.

The line goes dead. He closes his eyes again with a deep sigh, just sitting there in silence.

The world, still, goes on.

 

“It’s good to see you again, sir.” Morrison salutes at him, the rest of his team following suit. He nods, but doesn’t quite make eye contact with anyone. He doesn’t think he can handle it just yet. His eyes automatically go over to the all too familiar cot, however. He’s thought a lot of what he would be facing once he got back, but no amount of thinking has prepared him for the punch he feels in his gut when he sees someone else’s stuff already spread over it.

It’s been over a month, he tells himself. Of course they would have found someone new by now to take Luhan’s place. The team needed a new leader too for the time he’d been gone himself.

“It’s good to see you all again, too.” He hears himself speak the words and manages to school his expression into the smile he knows the words need to sound genuine, but inside of him there’s no emotion whatsoever. He does know it’s been a while since he’s seen his other team members, and he knows he would’ve missed them if he’d never seen them again, but right now he just can’t allow himself to feel anything, because all he will feel if he does is pain.

“Captain Zhang.” He recognises the voice instantly and turns around to face Lisa Duron, his direct superior and Lieutenant General. Automatically his back straightens and he salutes, until his eyes dart over to the man who walks a step behind her. Surprise courses through him, but he doesn’t let it show, keeping his face perfectly schooled and waiting for the lieutenant to dismiss him before lowering his hand to his side again.

“At ease,” she states, sending him a slight smile and nodding at the rest of his team as well. “I wanted to introduce you all to the newest member of your team,” she states then and Yixing’s chest constricts, a pang of hurt exploding in his chest. No more pretending nothing happened, time to face the music.

“Everyone, this is Wu Yifan. He’ll be filling up the empty spot in your team, taking up Master Sergeant Lu’s tasks and position. I expect you all to get along fine.” Yixing’s eyes return to the man who he only knows as a bartender in the first bar he could find where he saw no familiar faces. He stands much taller and more confident now than he did behind the bar, the uniform fitting him perfectly somehow.

The Lieutenant turns to the new guy before continuing. “I’ll give you a few minutes to settle in and get acquainted with your new team, Sergeant Wu. After that I expect you all in the meeting room for a briefing.” Her eyes scan the entire team and Yixing nods at her to signal he understood the order. “Yes ma’am.”

She hums and then turns on her heels to leave them alone. Yixing’s eyes instantly dart back to their newest team member the minute she’s out of the room. Morrison is already going over to shake the man’s hand and introduce himself, the other team members follow suit. Eventually the newcomer turns to him, since he’s the last person to introduce himself. He just looks back at the man.

“Well, it’s nice to be part of the team,” Yifan eventually speaks, but Yixing keeps the same straight face, hands still clasped behind his back as he watches the other male. “I hope we’ll manage to get along well in the future.”

Yixing clenches his jaw at the words, feeling cold anger boil up inside of him. As predicted he already resents the man. Even more so for being someone who has seen him at his low points. He can’t allow this man to win over him. Focusing his steely gaze on his new partner, he lets another moment of silence fall between them before he finally speaks.

“Don’t hope too hard.”

With those words, he turns on his heels and heads over to the meeting room so he can get briefed on what has happened during his absence.

 

 

The tension in the room is so palpable, Yifan is sure that if he takes out his knife he can cut right through it. Across from him is Yixing, their squad captain. The rest of their team members are spread around the two of them, keeping out of the conversation. It’s probably for the best because Yixing is livid. Then again, if the past couple of months have proven anything it’s that Yixing is always livid where he’s concerned. The others usually don’t even get half of the crap he does.

“All I’m saying—” he tries again, but he’s interrupted before he can even finish the sentence.

“I know what you’re saying, Master Sergeant, but I do not agree with it. And last time I checked I was still in charge. Or did I not get a memo promoting you to Captain in my place?” Yifan notices how Yixing’s hand tightens around his gun. If the other male were any less well trained he’s certain he would have long been punched in the face. Probably somewhere on the first day. But Yixing has never started a fight with him. Not physically, at least. Using words, however, Yixing has managed to make his first months on the job the worst ever.

“No, you didn’t miss any memo, Captain,” he retorts, trying to keep his cool, but Yixing is definitely grating on the last ends of his nerves. He clenches his teeth for a moment. “But I still think—”

“What you think is not important right now, Sergeant Wu.” Yixing once again interrupts him. The cold stare he’s given clearly indicates that he should shut up now before an actual fight is going to break out, but he can’t just let the man proceed with his plan as it is, because he knows the risks it holds and is convinced there is a better way to do it. So he takes a deep breath to calm himself and then speaks up again.

“With all due respect, I have also led an operation like this one and—”

“And all your men are dead now, Master Sergeant. Let’s not forget that, shall we?”

The silence that falls after those words is deafening. The entire team is aware how low of a blow those words were. Yifan’s hand automatically tightens on his own gun this time, but he sees Yixing’s eyes catch the movement, causing him to instantly relax his grip a little again.

“That’s what I thought,” Yixing speaks and Yifan would hate the guy, if not for how impressive the Captain looks in that moment and how much respect he forces out of him. He’d been a Captain himself so he knows how hard it is to make a good call, but in this moment itself, he’s afraid the only reason Yixing refuses to listen is simply his dislike of Yifan – whatever the reason for it is.

But the Captain calls the shots, and so he clenches his teeth and takes a step back, signalling his defeat. He doesn’t want to make the other team members more uncomfortable, especially doesn’t want them to think that their two superiors are disagreeing with each other, because it might make them weary to trust either of them. Yixing looks at him a moment longer with those eyes devoid of any emotion, before turning to the rest of their team again to make sure everyone knows what their task is.

A minute later they’re filing out of the room and back onto the battlefield, guns at the ready.

 

“Job well done, men. You’ve all earned yourselves a week’s holiday. Go see your wives and girlfriends, or whatever it is you do with your free time.” The Lieutenant leaves the room, giving them the freedom to celebrate with each other their most recent success in freeing a couple of hostages as well as their acquired holiday. Yifan grins over at Morrison when the man excitedly speaks of seeing his wife and son again and clasps hands with Jones and Debussy as well.

“Master Sergeant Wu, a word?” Instantly his team members’ faces turn serious again, a little fearful even. He turns to face his Captain, ready to face whatever scolding he’s going to get from the guy. But now that they’re not on the battlefield anymore he sure as hell isn’t going to let off that easily.

Yixing is looking at him with an expression that comes the closest to friendly since he’s known the guy, although it’s still mostly neutral. Yifan nods at his superior and follows him a few steps away from the others of their team, a little less defensive already after seeing the expression.

“Look, Wu, you had a clever idea out there, I don’t deny that.” The praise comes so unexpected that it renders him unable to speak for a moment. After all it would be more predictable for Yixing to give him another earful about defying his superior’s orders and whatnot. “But I knew the terrain better than you, I’ve been there before. And your idea would have gotten people killed.”

He wants to protest, just because his captain has been on his ass since the start, but can’t, because he knows if they’d done what he had suggested, some of their team members would indeed have been killed. So he stays quiet and nods once.

“I apologise for what I said. I shouldn’t have done that.” That’s where the softness comes from, Yifan realises when Yixing speaks those words a little softer than the rest. Regret over the low comment he’d made before. Something inside of him jumps at the opportunity to rub it in Yixing’s face, but for some reason he doesn’t. Instead, he just nods again.

“But I needed you to back off. We didn’t have any time to waste, but it’s never a good idea to go into battle without being on the same page. I couldn’t afford you going off on your own and fuck everything up.”

Alright, the softness is most definitely gone and Yifan’s annoyance with his superior has most definitely returned, but apparently Yixing is not done talking yet.

“Look, I listen to the things you say. I accept your experience in the field and as a captain and I take your words into account. If you have knowledge I don’t have about certain things I will listen to it all and use that information. But I need to know I can count on you to also follow when I make a decision that goes against what you think. The men need us to be a solid front they can follow and we need to be able to trust each other if we’re going to make it out of our future missions alive.”

Yifan’s not entirely sure if he believes what he’s hearing. Is this his captain finally showing even a semblance of acceptance towards him? Has he finally managed to breach through whatever the other male was holding against him? He can’t do anything but take the hand Yixing holds out to him and shake it, nodding his head once. Before he can even speak, Yixing already turns to the rest of their team.

“Well done, men. Let’s go enjoy our well-deserved holiday,” he states, and for the first time in months Yifan is convinced that the smile that appears on his captain’s face holds some sincerity. “Morrison, tell Mary hi from me too, by the way. Does she still make such a wonderful eggplant casserole?”

Watching how the rest of his team gathers around their captain in a clear show of camaraderie that he’s not yet a part of, Yifan realises for the first time how these men were part of a great-working team long before he ever even set foot within their midst. He wonders if that’s why the captain doesn’t like him, then for the first time also wonders about the man he’s replacing.

 

 

It’s the first time he’s home again since he started working again and Yixing finds himself looking around the familiar furniture and decorations, feeling almost alien in his own apartment. Everything’s the same as it’s always been, but he isn’t. Keeping busy with work has been the perfect way to deter himself away from wondering on thoughts about Luhan too long. They come back in full force now that he’s home again.

The picture of him and Luhan that still resides on the commode in his living room is like a punch to the gut. He finds no more solace in the familiar sheets of his own bed, only feeling even more alone within them. He often spent his holidays from work alone, considering Luhan had a family to get back to, but still this time around feels different. Because Luhan’s not just with his family. And once again he is forced to relive and deal with the fact that Luhan is truly gone now.

He swallows hard, picking up the picture from the commode and walking over to his office. Gathering every picture he still has of Luhan and him, he stores them all away in the bottom drawer of his desk, hoping to leave them there and not ever having to face them again.

As is always the case, life plays a cruel game with him. He’s just about managed to hide any evidence of the most important person in his life when his phone rings. A simple check of the caller ID tightens a knot in his stomach and he barely manages to pick up the call, fingers trembling.

“This is Yixing,” he states, tone of voice as calm and composed as ever, but he sinks down on his desk chair anyway, his legs no longer capable of supporting his weight.

“Yixing! Hey! It’s Emma. I hope I’m not disturbing. I heard from Jack that you all had a week’s holiday…” Of course Morrison would call her to see how she was doing. Luhan and him were great friends too. Both with a family as well it had given them something to talk about and bond over. But Yixing can’t for the life of him figure out why she decided to call him of all people.

“Ah, yes, we do,” he only manages to state, waiting for her to provide her reasons for calling.

“That’s nice.” There’s a smile audible in her voice. He can perfectly imagine her face, the lines of her features rearranged themselves wonderfully whenever she smiled. The epitome of kindness and friendliness, Emma is a woman hard to not love. Yixing’s friendliness with her had always been strictly out of politeness. There was nothing friendly between the two of them, after all. Their only connection was that they had both cared a lot about Luhan.

“God, it’s been so long,” she follows up after a moment of silence and Yixing realises that she sounds _honestly_ glad to hear from him. “Have you been okay? We didn’t hear from you anymore and…” A pause, Emma seems to realise they might not be in a relationship that warrants this kind of casual conversation. Or maybe it’s something else. He can’t see her face so he doesn’t know.

“Lilly’s been asking about you.” Oh great, this well-timed phone call is about to drown his last remaining pieces in a sea of hurt. “She misses you.” Indeed, there come the waterworks. The thought of Luhan’s perfect little daughter is just too much to bear right now. He misses her too, if he’s honest with himself, but he doesn’t feel like he has any right to see her anymore. Not after everything that happened. Not now that Luhan is no longer there to connect them.

He clears his throat to make sure the tears are not audible in his voice when he replies. “I’ll see what I can do.”

 

Alcohol has become a large part of his diet lately, but Yixing can’t be bothered to break his head over the lack of health things he takes in. Something within him just refuses to care. About anything. He hasn’t called Emma back, neither has he done anything much at all in the past week. Morrison has asked him to join his family and Luhan’s on a picnic to the park, but he has politely refused under the vice of ‘having too much to do.’

Nobody needs to know how big of a lie that is.

The bar he went to a couple of times becomes his evening hangout spot and he’s all the gladder that Yifan doesn’t work there anymore. Funny place for a temporarily off duty special ops agent to work, he muses while he’s nursing his umpteenth scotch of the night. Who in their right mind enjoys serving drinks to the drunk and the heartbroken anyway?

He doesn’t remember much of the rest of his night at the bar, but he does make it home somehow.


	2. 02:00

“Thanks for meeting me.” Yifan looks over at his captain who’s sitting opposite of him at a small table in this or that bar. It’s the last day of their holiday. Yixing looks much akin to how Yifan had seen him in the bar the last time: dark shadows under his eyes and a haunted expression ghosting his features. But the set of his jaw and the look in his eyes both are as neutral as the captain’s composure always is. He shrugs, showing every bit of an uninterested person.

“No reason for me to say no to having a drink with a team member.” The words are spoken so casually that Yifan almost believes them, but he hasn’t quite forgotten the hostile treatment he’s been getting for the past couple of months. Huffing lightly, he raises his eyebrows in disbelief, but of course his attitude instantly puts off the male opposite of him. He sees the jaw clench and anger spark in the eyes of his superior and already mentally readies himself for the things he’s going to get thrown at his head.

“What do you want, Wu?” Yixing speaks, voice strained with the clearly held back anger. Yifan sighs and schools his expression back into a neutral one.

“I just want to talk.” He states, but then quickly continues before Yixing can comment on that. “You’ve disliked me from the moment I was introduced to your team. I don’t know why, but I think it either deserves an explanation or I deserve to be treated normally by you.” The gaze that is focused on him after those words seems incredulous, before it turns into an ice-cold anger again. Now that’s an expression he’s used to, but it doesn’t make it any easier to bear such pure hatred directed at him. Especially not now that he’s seen how much kindness the other male’s expression can hold.

“Look, Morrison has told me about Luhan. If this has anything to do w—” He’s not able to finish his sentence, because Yixing gets up from his chair the minute the name falls off his lips. He watches the other stride out of the bar with icy determination. Frowning, he only hesitates a second before getting up and following the other male out of the bar.

Despite his longer legs, he needs to hurry to be able to keep up with Yixing, eventually catching up with him almost at the end of the street. He puts a hand on Yixing’s shoulder to stop him, but before he can speak, Yixing has already pulled the hand off him and pushed Yifan into the wall. There’s an underarm to his throat, and Yixing’s angry face mere inches away from his.

“ _What_ do you want, Wu? Cause I will gladly beat you up right here and now. So don’t tempt me any more than you already have.” The words are spat at him with a tone so livid with anger it’s almost liquid. But he doesn’t back down. He can’t. And whatever softness he’d seen in Yixing before, it’s obviously gone as well now.

Moving his right arm up, he hits Yixing’s arm away from his throat, shoving the shorter male away from him with his free arm and aiming a kick at his gut. Yixing avoids the kick by jumping back, but instantly launches a counter attack. Yifan barely manages to block the punch aimed at him, retaliating with one of his own, which is blocked by Yixing in his turn. They exchange a series of blows and kicks back and forth like that, until eventually his fist manages to connect with Yixing’s cheek.

They are pushed apart for a moment because of the strength of the connection, Yixing staggering back a step. Yifan watches how his captain lifts a hand to run his thumb over his bottom lip. He notices the blood a second later than Yixing seems to do, but soon their eyes meet again. And when Yifan sees the look in his superior’s eyes, he knows he is going to have to fight for his life or he might even lose it tonight.

 

The only sound he hears for a long while is his own laboured breathing. When he finally manages to catch his breath, he turns his head lightly. The simple movement already hurts, straining his stomach muscles and pulling at the large bruise that is probably spreading out over his ribs at that very moment.

Yixing lies on the ground of the alley they ended up in as well, a little further away from him. The light from the main street’s lamps falling into the alleyway is the only reason Yifan can see the damage he’s done to his superior’s face, but he’s rather certain his own face looks even worse. Even his sense of pride can’t stop him from admitting that Yixing is very skilled in hand to hand combat. He’s going to feel this fight for a couple more days, that’s for sure.

Right then Yixing shifts in his position, rolling over and pushing himself back up from the ground. Yifan quickly moves as well, pushing himself up from his vulnerable position and standing to face the other male once more. He doesn’t take in a defensive stance, but prepares himself for any attack that might follow. Yixing is looking at him, but his captain probably can’t see very much of his face since it’s shrouded in the night’s darkness.

“Alright…” Yixing speaks after a moment, voice as aloof as if they’ve just played a game of cards rather than battled each other as ferociously as they have. “You’ve earned yourself the right of me listening to you, Wu. Better make it good.” Yifan stands perplexed, taking in his captain and trying to figure out if this is a joke or an attempt at distracting him from the continued fight. But his superior makes no move to attack again, only raises his eyebrows at Yifan’s silence.

“Well? Cat got your tongue? You had so much to say and ask earlier. Let’s hear it, soldier.” Despite the taunting feel of the words, Yixing speaks them in a matter-of-fact tone of voice and Yifan finds himself straightening automatically when he is reminded of his identity.

“I don’t need the conversation if you don’t want to talk,” he speaks then, keeping his voice levelled as well. He watches how Yixing starts to step closer to him, moving further into the light that falls into their secluded alleyway. “Just back off with your unfair treatment of me. I have done nothing wrong to you other than take the place of someone you apparently cared about. I’m sorry he’s gone, but it’s not my fault. I’m just doing my job. So kindly take your superiority complex and shove it.” He pauses a moment, but then adds like an afterthought: “Up your ass, preferably.”

To his surprise Yixing barks out a laugh.

 

 

“Would you care to explain, captain?” It’s moments like these when Lisa looks truly impressive, and scary. Yixing bows his head lightly, his hands clasped behind his back. Next to him is Yifan, in much the same position, but he has not been addressed yet. Of course as the leader of their team, Yixing is the one who is questioned first about their sorry states.

“We had a disagreement, ma’am.”

“A disagreement!?” The Lieutenant’s voice is sharp, her disbelief sounding through easily. But it’s not an exasperated kind of disbelief, it’s most definitely the angry kind. “A disagreement that leaves Master Sergeant Wu with bruised ribs and you with a fractured scapula? Need I remind you of the importance of your jobs? Of the oath you swore to protect the people of this country? That includes each other, soldiers.” Yixing watches how Lisa looks from Yifan to him and back, before shaking her head, disappointment clear in her expression.

“You are both exempt of field duty until these injuries have healed. I want you two in the kitchens and if all those pots are not scrubbed clean as crisp by o nine hundred hours there will be hell to pay.”

Yixing salutes to the Lieutenant, then turns on his heels to leave her office. His steps are determined and he spares not a single look for his master sergeant, who walks along right next to him.

“Your shoulder’s fractured?” Yifan asks once they’ve rounded the corner into a different hallway. He glances over just long enough to meet the other’s gaze for a split second and then hums noncommittal. “But I threw you into the wall somewhere at the start. That means you fought with a fractured shoulder the entire ti—” He doesn’t allow Yifan to finish his sentence, opting instead for coming to a halt and looking over at the other male.

“Yes, I fought you with a fractured shoulder and might I remind you that I still beat your ass. So are you sure you want to try and make more conversation with me, Wu?” His voice is harsh, challenging. But mostly out of pride and the leftovers of his anger from the previous night. The resentment he’s felt for his Master Sergeant ever since the man was hired to take Luhan’s place seems to have disappeared, or at least lessened tremendously.

Something about finally having been able to throw those long held back punches at his team member cleared away some of the hatred he felt towards the world and everyone in it. As if he’s finally capable of taking a proper breath again after months of something weighing down on his chest. He supposes he has the man at his side to thank for that, although he’s hardly going to voice that thought out loud.

“Whatever you say,” Yifan replies, putting himself back in motion. Yixing’s honestly surprised by the ease with which his companion gives in, but gladly takes the victory. Putting himself back in motion, he comes side to side with his Master Sergeant again right on time to hear his next sentence. “But as I recall you had your ass beaten just the same. Sir.”

He has half a mind to go for Yifan’s throat again, all the things he’d just been thinking faded from memory. But the thought of the Lieutenant’s disappointment makes him clench his jaw instead, giving Yifan an icy glare from the corner of his eyes. His team member walks on unimpressed, probably not even having seen the murderous gaze, a smug grin on his face.

 

Several days of cleaning everything Lieutenant Duron can think of reveals to Yixing that Yifan actually has a commendable sense of humour. Although he’s reluctant to admit it, he’s been having some fun during their long hours of physical labour, mostly because of the offhand comments Yifan would throw in between here and there. Luckily his team member has not brought up their fight or the reason for it anymore, so they managed to find some sort of truce during the long hours of punishment.

It's already Friday by the time Lisa finally allows them to return to their barracks. Yixing walks back there with Yifan by his side, instantly being greeted by the other three guys the second they enter. Questions are asked, of course, their faces haven’t entirely healed yet either, but luckily none of the guys press the issue too much, taking peace with the explanation that they had a bit of a brawl Sunday evening and that Lieutenant Duron didn’t quite appreciate it.

They’re still exchanging greetings when the siren goes off. Yixing instantly straightens, listening intently to the message that follows over the speakers. _‘Alpha team Captain report to the meeting room. Alpha team Captain report to the meeting room.’_

He doesn’t even leave any time for anyone to say anything anymore, just heads straight over to the meeting room, abandoning the rest of his team members in their barracks. When he enters the meeting room, Lieutenant Duron is there too and he straightens and salutes. “Alpha Team Captain reporting for duty, ma’am.”

“Yixing…” she states and he’s instantly alarmed by the softness in her voice, as well as the fear he can hear there. But not fear for what she’s about to say, he knows the Lieutenant has none of such fear. No, she’s afraid of how he’s going to respond. “They sent us a video message. They have Luhan. He’s alive.”

The words hammer into his chest with a weight he didn’t even imagine possible. Staring at his superior for a long moment in utter incomprehension, he manages to shake off the initial shock. “That’s impossible, ma’am, he was killed on the battlefield. I saw it myself. The bomb blew up the entire building.” To his credit, his voice doesn’t shake, even as he remembers the terrible explosion that had happened only a hundred yards away from him, taking Luhan with it. “There is no way he’s alive.”

“Yixing…” They play the video for him before he can speak again. In it is Luhan, seated on a chair, a gun pressed against his temple. He looks right into the camera, his brown eyes seemingly staring through layers of technology, right into Yixing’s very core. His lips move yet it’s impossible to hear what he’s saying over the sound of the aggressors talking. But Yixing knows how to read those lips from years of experience. _‘Please give them what they want.’_

 

After the alarm blares throughout the camp, they don’t see Yixing anymore for an entire week, no explanations given. The next weekend they’re allowed to go home. Yifan beelines straight to the bar, hoping against all hope that he’s going to find the man there. Surprisingly he does, already spotting Yixing’s familiar back from the entrance. Walking over to the male, Yifan takes a seat next to him, turning towards his captain and waiting for the man to look up.

It takes a moment, but then Yixing turns his head, already defiant, ready to tear into him for staring, probably. The moment their eyes meet however, Yixing’s bravado falters for a split second, then returns in threefold. “Oh hell no.” The words are the only thing Yixing says before grabbing some money from his pocket and throwing it on the counter. Yifan grabs a hold of the shorter male’s wrist, to try and stop him from leaving, but Yixing pulls free so harshly that he almost falls off the stool he’s sitting on trying to hold on.

He instantly goes after Yixing the minute he’s regained his balance. It reminds him an awful lot of the last time he was chasing his superior, only this time Yixing isn’t just striding, he’s running. Yifan darts after the other, praising his long legs for their ability to catch up with the man ahead of him. He reaches Yixing and easily uses both their running momentums to send them propelling into the wall, in order to bring his captain to a halt.

“You’re going to fucking tell me what’s going on!” He instantly states, this time his own voice is as much steel as Yixing’s usually is. “You don’t just leave your team in the dark about why you up and disappear for an entire fucking week!”

Yixing stares back at him, eyes flicking over his face almost frantically, but Yifan doesn’t back down. Their faces are inches apart again, only this time he’s the one with an arm to the other male’s throat, not planning on letting go until he gets some answers. It doesn’t take long, however, for Yixing’s entire façade to crumble down. Yifan watches as the carefully constructed neutrality and anger on his captain’s face fall away to reveal an expression of pure sorrow, taking him entirely by surprise.

He’s never seen this amount of vulnerability on Yixing’s face, and realises that if the man across from him is no longer capable of hiding his true emotions, it must have been something truly horrible that happened. But even as he’s in the middle of thinking that, he sees the lines in his captain’s face harden once more, the sorrow being replaced by a solid determination it seems. He quickly prepares himself to block the punch to the stomach or the knee to the groin that is going to be Yixing’s way of escape.

Nothing can prepare him for the way Yixing thrusts his head forward, almost choking himself on Yifan’s arm, just so he can cover Yifan’s lips with his own and kiss him hard.

 

He’s breathing heavily, chest rising and falling with the depth of his heaves, but his eyes remain solidly glued to those of the male he’s standing with. Yixing is still solidly tucked between him and the wall, only now his hands rest against the wall on either side of his captain’s face and the only thing keeping Yixing in place is Yifan’s own body pressed closely against him. They have once again moved themselves into an alley, but for entirely different reasons this time around.

Yixing is also breathing heavily, their eyes fixed on each other, as if fighting a battle of wills about who’s going to look away first. Yifan certainly won’t, determined to figure out what the hell this whole thing is about. Yixing seems to have a different idea because he moves in once more. This time Yifan is less startled by the kiss, even though still just as puzzled as the first time. He doesn’t protest, however, bringing a hand over to Yixing’s nape to prevent him from pulling away and kissing back just as hard as he is being kissed.

He’s still just as attracted to this man as he was the first time he met him in the bar, after all. And Yixing’s dark, brooding attitude is not helping him shake off the feeling either. Yixing’s hands are tugging at his sides and clothes trying to pull him even closer, but they’re already pressed as closely together as they’re ever going to get. Eventually, Yifan bites down on Yixing’s lower lip, not too hard so he doesn’t draw blood, but hard enough to serve as a warning. Yixing pulls back instantly, glowering at him in the dim light they have going for them.

“Fucking. Talk. To me.” Yifan speaks slowly, underlining his words with enough anger to let Yixing know he’s being serious. The other male lets out a low growling sound, making it clear he’s not going to cooperate. “Fine. Suit yourself.” He pulls away then, abandoning the other male against the wall and turning on his heels to walk away. The action earns him a heavy shove in the back.

He stumbles forward a step, but catches himself, turning around to have a swing at his assailant. He’s more than aware that it’s Yixing, but doesn’t care if they’re going to get scolded by the Lieutenant. He can’t just keep swallowing every one of the man’s stupid whims. His arm is caught by the wrist by Yixing’s slender fingers and his own momentum is used against him to pull him directly back into Yixing’s chest. Instantly arms wrap around his neck and he’s already preparing to fight of the choking hold his Captain will have on him, when he realises there’s no other movement than that.

Instead Yixing is just holding him, in a tight hold, but still just holding, not doing anything to hurt him. “I don’t want to talk.” Is what he’s told a moment later. It’s not spoken in a soft voice, but not in an angry one either. Yifan recognises the sound of carefully put together feigned neutrality. The tense set of his shoulders relaxes and he straightens as much as Yixing’s hold allows him to as he lets the adrenaline seep back out of his system.

“Fine,” he agrees. “Then don’t talk. But stop running, too. And stop being such an ass.”

 

 

Yixing wakes to unfamiliar surroundings and it actually takes him a moment to remember where he is. Yifan’s place. When he turns over, he comes face to face with said man, whose eyes are still closed and breathing still even. It’s not entirely dark anymore in the bedroom, but not very bright either, so he assumes it must be somewhere around sunrise. A hum leaves his throat as he turns over to look at the rest of the room.

It’s not a particularly spacious room, with modest furniture too, but it’s good enough for a man alone, he presumes. Plus, he has a double bed, that’s always a nice addition to any interior. He turns over again to be able to look at Yifan once more and ponders the events that had led him here, in the other man’s bed. Yifan had just grabbed his wrist and dragged him here, actually, not allowing him any room for objection. Not that he’d been in much of a mood to object anyway.

Before he can think much more about it, Yifan’s breathing pattern changes, signalling the man’s waking up. Yixing doesn’t bother with pretending to still be asleep or anything to the likes of that, he just keeps looking. It doesn’t take long for Yifan to open his eyes and the tall man’s gaze instantly finds his. To his surprise it’s a slow, content smile that appears on his Sergeant’s face and he can’t help the small smile that graces his own expression because of it.

“Morning,” Yifan greets him and he hums in reply. Even more surprisingly, Yifan reaches out a hand next and gently strokes the hair away from his face. A gesture that is too familiar and too intimate, causing his chest to constrict in pain once again. But for some reason he doesn’t pull away, instead allowing Yifan whatever proximity he’s looking for. There’s a tenderness to the other man’s gaze that Yixing can’t help but allow himself to bask in, savouring the feeling of being cared for that has been so long since he’d last felt it.

Then something shifts in Yifan’s gaze, only slightly, but Yixing knows something’s coming that he’s not going to like. And he’s proven right when Yifan speaks again. “Can you talk today?”

He wants to get angry again, wants to shove the man away along with every stupid question he can ask that Yixing never wants to have to answer. But when he reaches for it, the emotion doesn’t flare up inside of him. So he just keeps looking at Yifan, hoping that whatever expression he sports in that moment is not as vulnerable and defeated as he feels. He sees how Yifan’s expression softens again, something akin to sympathy appearing, but can’t even try and fight himself out of being pitied.

“What happened, Yixing?” Yifan asks and he hums again, tearing his gaze away from the other male because he can’t bear to look at him and reply at the same time.

“There was a video,” he finally manages to say after almost a minute of silence. He’s grateful that Yifan has waited patiently for him to speak. “From the leftovers of a group we took down last year. It showed them keeping a hostage.” He swallows hard, steeling himself for the name he’s about to speak. “Luhan.” It surprisingly hurts less to say the name than to hear someone say it, but he still needs a moment to recover from it. “But it’s fake. Luhan mouthed ‘please give them what they want’ in the video and he would never do that. I don’t know how they got the images of him, but it wasn’t him.”

He’s quiet for a moment, listens to how Yifan’s breathing, glad that the male still doesn’t attempt to speak. “Lisa wanted to send a mission out to rescue him. I… made a scene. She suspended me. But I refused to leave until she promised me she would leave my team out of it.” He swallows again, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. “They don’t have to go through this. Soon Gamma Team is going to return from their mission and Lisa will see I was right. She won’t apologise for not listening, but at least the rest of my team won’t be put through this.”

Yifan’s hand captures his cheek, thumb stroking over it gently. “I’m sorry,” is all he says. Yixing is grateful that he doesn’t try to get deeper into the subject. The ache in his chest is bad enough as it is. He leans his head into the warmth of the hand, closes his eyes and forgets all about the person opposite of him not being who he wants it to be. At least someone _is_ there.

 

“Alpha Team, you’re being sent on a mission. You have one hour to call whoever needs to know. It might take a while before you return.” Yixing is never happier to not have someone to call than on moments like these. Watching the others scramble for their phones, he notes that Yifan as well is just standing there waiting for them to be done. Their eyes meet momentarily, but he turns his gaze away in favour of starting to pack.

As he had predicted, Lieutenant Duron hadn’t apologised, but she had begrudgingly admitted that it had been a hoax and there had not been any hostage even remotely resembling Luhan there. Further inspection of the video has also proven that it had been tampered with. And so he was right, and Luhan’s memory is not tainted by the stain of betrayal. But Yixing’s emotions haven’t quite recovered yet from the blow being dealt to them at the sight of Luhan in the video message. His throat still randomly tightens, making it difficult for him to breathe, and the pain often hits him in the middle of the night.

After that one night spent in Yifan’s home he hasn’t gone back, nor has he tried to find that same proximity again, but the other male’s eyes still rest on him with a lot more softness than they ever did before. And his heart longs to just let itself fall into the care and compassion he might find there. He doesn’t allow it to, though. Mostly because he doesn’t want to be able to get hurt as much as he did, but also partly because a small, honest part of him still realises that he just wants what he had with Luhan back, whoever he can get it with.

He doesn’t actually _care_ about Yifan that way.

Still, his Master Sergeant’s softness and care doesn’t disappear, and in return his wholly unkind attitude towards the other stays away. They’re speaking in a civil manner now, which seems to have done his team members a lot of good, since they are much more at ease these days, as if having walked on pins and needles for the past half a year. He’s glad that he could at least do that for his men, give them back the safety of a trustworthy team.

He takes in his team members then. Morrison in a deep discussion with his wife about who loves the other more. It won’t take long before Mary puts his son on the phone and then he’ll be having the exact same discussion with the boy too.

Then there’s Jones, telling his mother he loves her and that he’ll be back in contact with her soon. A horrible job for any parent to know their child has, but Jones’ mother is the only family he’s got left, so the only one he could tell at all. Plus, it’s always nice to know someone’s waiting at home, anxious about your return. It gives a person something to fight for.

And last but not least there’s Debussy, who is once again in a heated argument with whichever girl he’s seeing these days. They’ll probably break up at the end of the phone call. Debussy will have a new woman at his side only a couple days after they return anyway.

The sight of them somehow warms his heart and he huffs out a smile. Remembering how he and Luhan would watch them like this more often. That is until Luhan would step away to give his own wife and daughter a quick call to let them know of his absence. The smile freezes on his expression and Yixing turns his gaze away again from his team members, deciding to step out of the room to give them their privacy.


	3. 03:00

Yifan decides to ask Morrison about it when Yixing is being briefed on the details of their upcoming mission and they are waiting for him back in their barracks. He makes sure to get their explosion specialist a little further away from the others, not wanting them to make the wrong connections should they overhear something.

“Were the captain and Luhan involved?” Is what he decides to ask, but the confusion is instant in Morrison’s expression.

“Involved? Like in a gang? Or drugs? Are you crazy. Neither of them would have ever jeopardised our lives like that!” Yifan smiles at the heated response, which proves once again that Morrison is still very fond of his two superiors. But that is not the information he needs, and so he tries again.

“No. Involved. In a relationship,” he clarifies. And when he sees Morison’s expression shift to something clearly judging of his intellect he adds: “With each other.”

The first thing to appear on Morrison’s face then is a complete and utterly baffled blank expression. The next, however, is the beginning of a smile, and it doesn’t take very long after that for the guy to start laughing heartily, his mirth obvious. Yifan looks at the hand that is placed on his shoulder by the explosion specialist, before glancing back at the owner’s face, hoping to soon be explained what exactly is so funny about his inquiry.

“Luhan was married, man,” Morrison tells him once again, the grin still lingering on the man’s lips. “Emma’s a great woman. They even have a beautiful daughter together, Lilly. Didn’t I tell you this? There’s no way Luhan was involved with a man.” There’s disbelief in Morrison’s voice, a clear-cut conviction that his most esteemed Master Sergeant would never do anything of the sort. “Now the captain, on the other hand…” Morrison grins amused. “Who knows about the captain, man? He’s never had someone that I know of. But there’s a lot of things he prefers to keep to himself. Who knows? Maybe he’s got a truckload of gay lovers out there. Or a house full of kids. I don’t even know where the man lives.”

Morrison chuckles once more, patting Yifan on the shoulder, amusement still visible on his face. “But involved with each other? No man. Great friends, that’s for sure. Known each other since before high school and everything. They been tight for over fifteen years. No surprise the captain needed time to cope with it all. I bet he’s still not entirely over it, but it’s good he’s back. We need our captain.” A more serious expression settles on Morrison’s face then. “Good you two get along better these days, too.”

He returns the smile Morrison gives him with a tight-lipped one of his own, then pats the other soldier on his shoulder amicably. “Alright. Thanks man.” Morrison nods again, indicating it was no biggie, and then re-joins the others. Yifan is left alone to ponder his suspicions until Yixing eventually returns from the mission briefing.

His eyes never leave the other male while Yixing explains to them what they’re supposed to do this time, but even if the captain should have a problem with it, he shows no response whatsoever. Yifan almost thinks Yixing is ignoring him on purpose. A suspicion which is proven when Yixing sides up to him the moment they’re on their way to the chopper on the roof.

“What were you staring at, Wu?” Is the question that gets asked of him. He has to admit that the words do already sound a lot nicer than if they would have been spoken two weeks ago. But he doesn’t let that realisation phase him.

“The guy Morrison would give his life for,” he responds, taking in Yixing’s reaction to those words. His captain’s face goes a determined neutral.

“That goes both ways.” Yifan smiles, shaking his head, warmly amused by the loyalty that stands so strongly between these men.

“You, Yixing, I was staring at you,” he states fondly then. The captain tenses. Yifan can sense the surprise, but he doesn’t let it deter him. “You are quite the sight to behold.” Yixing scoffs, clearly not impressed at all by the compliment. Perhaps even seeing it as a joke.

“Sure thing, Wu,” he responds dryly, pushing open the door to the roof. The air current from the rotating blades of the helicopter cut their conversation short and Yifan obediently boards the aircraft. It’s not long before the base is growing ever smaller beneath them. He breathes out a long sigh and closes his eyes.

 

Bullets ricochet off the stone walled houses around them. The danger to their lives has just risen by tenfold, since they’ve gotten news of the airstrike that is but moments away. Yixing has already sent the other thee to secure their way out. The two of them are left on the field, the hard drive with vital information already in their possession, the both of them ready to go the minute they find a way out of the battlefield.

Yixing looks over at him, eyes determined, hands forming the military signs that shape their plans. Yifan follows every single movement closely, then nods his head to signal he understood, tightening his grip on the gun that is going to be their most solid line of defence. They’re not really the ones being shot at, but have just had the bad luck of ending up in the middle of a brawl between the local rebels and the attacking army troops.

When he glances over at Yixing again, the other male’s much closer than expected. Yifan doesn’t have enough time to process it all before Yixing kisses him hard yet again. The contact doesn’t last very long, but it does leave him staring in surprise at his captain, wondering what the hell has gotten into the man this time around. He wants to say something about it, only to find that Yixing is already getting into position to make a break for it.

It’s only because of the years of training that he is quick enough to push himself up as well, level his gun, and fire the necessary rounds to keep anyone from being able to shoot at them. They’re running then, ducking behind whatever rubble they can find as they go. His eyes keep wandering around, trying to catch any type of movement before it can become a threat, but luckily the two fighting causes leave them largely unbothered.

Only a minute later do they already reach Debussy, who fires a few more shots at the people behind them before he makes a run for it together with them. Yifan can already hear the plane nearing their location, or perhaps that’s just because he knows what’s coming, but the mere thought drives him to run faster. They pass Jones next, who apparently doesn’t have anyone to fire at anymore because he instantly turns on his heels to run along with them, further away from the city centre, where the bomb is about to hit any minute now.

To his surprise, Jones suddenly heads over to a truck which stands to the side of the road, jumping in the back. Debussy follows as a close second, so Yifan wastes no time in taking a leap and jumping on as well, no matter how unexpected the sudden move is. He temporarily ignores the shocked gazes that earns him from his two fellow soldiers who can’t believe he didn’t even have to use his hands for it, but turns around instantly and reaches out an arm to Yixing.

Clasping hands with the other, he helps Yixing jump onto the truck as well. The captain hasn’t even properly landed or the vehicle already takes off, speeding away from the city. He tilts a little because of the sudden shift in movement, but instantly takes a step back to counter the movement. Yixing also seems to falter a moment, before they both regain solid footing. Once they all sit down, Morrison steps hard on the gas pedal. For a moment, it almost feels like they’re flying without a care in the world.

Then the bombs come down and the city behind them explodes in a wave of dust and debris.

 

 

Yixing sits quietly in the back of the truck that’s taking them to the pick up point. Debussy and Jones have meanwhile moved to the front together with Morrison. Yifan still sits with him. He still vaguely feels the man’s fingers on his lower arm where they gripped tight earlier to pull him onto the truck. He also remembers the face the man had made when he’d kissed him.

“Don’t ever do that again.” Yifan breaks the silence. He feels himself grow cold for some reason. He’s not sure why because he has already established that Yifan doesn’t mean anything to the likes of that to him. “You could have been dead. Had I not recovered in time…” The addition makes him breathe out a smile.

“But you did.” Yifan’s clearly not pleased with his response. He doesn’t really mind the judgement on the other man’s face, though. It reminds him of the first time he’d done the same thing to Luhan. A good luck charm, he’d called it. They’d continued to share a kiss for good luck every time they were about to head into a dangerous plan from then on.

‘Worked like a charm,’ Luhan had said, one of those fond smiles of his on his face. He hadn’t kissed Luhan at all on that fateful day, since they hadn’t managed to get a moment alone. His smile dies away again. Yifan is still looking at him judgingly, but now there’s anger too.

“Don’t ever do that again,” he repeats. Yixing lifts a hand and makes a soothing motion with it.

“Alright, alright, I won’t, Wu. Try not to get your panties in a bunch.” He tries not to think of the time when he had responded to the same demand several long years ago. His ‘Or how about I do that a lot more often instead and you get used to it so it’s not dangerous anymore?’ had stunned Luhan, and then it had made him laugh. That carefree and warm laughter that was reserved just for him. And Lilly. But he’d never minded sharing Luhan’s love with her. She is as loveable as she is beautiful, after all, and Yixing, too, fell in love with her the moment he lay his eys upon her. Their beautiful little girl.

Now that Luhan’s gone, however, the illusion’s broken and Yixing’s forced to accept that Lilly is in no way his. Emma is her mother and Emma is the person who will raise her. He has no right to be a part of their life anymore. Not when he has all these years been the fourth member of their family without them ever even knowing the truth.

“We’re here.” Yifan’s voice wakes him from his thoughts. He looks up to see the other male frowning at him. “Try not to lose yourself in thought so much when we’re on a mission, someone could have shot you point blank and you wouldn’t have noticed until it was too late.” He scoffs, ready to call the other man’s bluff, but Yifan adds: “I know because I had my gun levelled at you for five minutes straight.” The look on his Master Sergeant’s face is dead serious.

 

“What do you mean?” Lieutenant Duron seems perplexed. He keeps holding her gaze confidently.

“It’s not working out, ma’am.” He states calmly, breathing out slowly and doing his best to maintain the neutral expression on his face. “I can’t do it.”

“Yixing, are you serious about this?” Her voice softens and Yixing knows they’ve broken rank and are speaking as friends now. “The team really needs you.”

He huffs out a smile. “No, they don’t, Lisa. They really need a captain. They have one. Morrison will make a great Master Sergeant. Then all they need is a good new team member and one of those isn’t so hard to come by.” He holds Lisa’s gaze for a moment longer, then relaxes his muscles, his shoulders slumping slightly. “One of these days I’m going to make a mistake that’s going to cost them their lives. It’s not the same without him. His is a loss I can’t shake.”

Lisa is still looking at him, but he knows she has accepted his decision. “I’m truly sorry, Yixing. About Luhan. About you leaving. I wish things could have gone differently.

He breathes out a bitter smile and nods. “Yes. But they didn’t. And I can’t deal with that well enough to still be on active duty. So, fire me, put me on inactive, or I don’t know what you want to do, but I’m going home. I can’t do this anymore.”

Lisa nods in understanding. He nods in return, then salutes and leaves the room to go get his stuff. Debussy, Jones and Morrison all express their sadness and regret, but he doesn’t let it get to him. He wishes them all the best, says that of course they will be going for drinks together still, then grabs his duffel bag and turns to leave.

He’s faced with Yifan then, who has been quiet the entire time. The man’s face is unreadable. It takes a moment but then Yifan nods in greeting. Yixing nods back at him. “Keep them safe, captain,” he states. Yifan’s expression turns grim.

“I will until you come back, captain.”

He doesn’t respond to those words. They don’t need a reply anyway. He’s pretty sure Yifan knows he plans not to return at all.

 

 

Unlike what everyone seems to have quietly believed all this time, Yixing doesn’t return. Yifan has been promoted to squad leader again and Morrison became his second in command. They work well together, but the entire team’s dynamic has changed. Yifan soon finds himself missing Yixing, and the ease of having a trustworthy captain above him to make the tough decision. No one really mentions it, but he thinks everyone else misses him too.

They work together for six months straight before they’re finally granted a holiday again. Although tempted, Yifan doesn’t go to the bar to see if the former captain is there. Instead, he visits his parents and then he goes to take a walk in the park. It’s there that he finds a most unexpected sight. Stopping shortly in his tracks, he soon continues walking, towards the familiar faces.

“Good evening.” The woman looks up at him, surprised and cautious. He nods once in greeting and smiles at the girl with her. “My name is Wu Yifan, I work with Jack Morrison.” The woman’s face brightens with recognition and Yifan starts to smile a bit wider to help her feel more at ease.

“I’ve heard of you,” she states, reaching out a hand to shake his. “It’s nice to meet you, Yifan. I hope the others aren’t giving you too hard a time.” He chuckles at those words and fondly shakes his head.

“Not at all. They’re the best team members I could have asked for.” Emma smiles. Lilly takes hold of his sleeve to tug at it gently. He recognises her father’s features in her face effortlessly. She’s a beautiful, young version of her two parents together.

“Have you seen uncle Yixing, sir?” She questions a moment later. He pauses for a moment and frowns lightly at the inquiry.

“Not in the last six months, I’m afraid. He has left his job. He’s working somewhere else now.” He looks over at Emma after telling Lilly that, wondering how she will react. Her expression is sad as she reaches out to stroke over Lilly’s hair.

“I told you uncle Yixing moved away, Lilly. I’m sorry but you won’t be seeing him anymore most probably.” Lilly also turns sad and Yifan feels bad for the two people who have clearly lost a lot.

“But then who is gonna come play with me, mommy?” Lilly inquires yet again a moment later. Yifan sees the pain on Emma’s face increase.

“I can play with you,” he suggests, before turning to Emma. “If your mother’s alright with it, of course.”

“If you’d like.” Emma states, clearly surprised.

“Did you know my daddy too?” Lilly asks him instantly. “Are you also gonna bring me things?”

“Sure, I’ll bring you things.” He easily agrees. “Whenever I go far away I’ll bring you something back from there.” The smile is already back on her face, but he still adds: “And I never knew your daddy, but you can tell me all about him if you want.”

He smiles warmly at the little girl, who starts brimming with excitement. Emma’s look at him speaks of both confusion and gratitude. He nods at her calmly and reassuring.

 

“Funfan, come see!” It’s become Yifan’s new nickname, only used by the one who’s currently calling for him with it. Lilly. Already smiling because of how excited she seems, he rounds the corner into the kitchen so he can find her in the garden. He freezes in his steps when he reaches the door outside, however.

Lilly’s there, alright, but so is Yixing, carrying her in his arms. Yixing smiles ever so politely at him. He schools his face and nods at the man in return, not wanting to make Lilly uncomfortable because of the animosity between them.

“Uncle Yixing is here,” the little girl happily states then, grinning at him just as brightly as she always does when she talks about the good times with her father. He starts to smile for her sake and nods his head.

“Indeed. What a lovely surprise. I guess he’s here to play with you.” He makes sure with a single look that Yixing knows it’s not an option he can say no to. The former captain seems to take the hint and it’s not long before the two are running around the garden.

He leaves them there to return to his laundry, trusting the other male alone with the girl regardless of his vanishing habit. It’s a good few hours later when Yixing finally comes to find him again in the kitchen, where he’s preparing dinner. He doesn’t attempt to break the silence between them, doesn’t even look up, and just waits for Yixing to explain why he has so suddenly decided to show up after all these months. And in Yifan’s garden of all places.

“She’s watching TV.” Those are the first words spoken between them in almost a year’s time. Yifan hums non-committal. The silence lingers some more. “I’m sorry for showing up unannounced, but I didn’t have your number, I just knew where you lived.” Another hum. Yifan thinks back to the reason the other male has such information.

“I thought I told you to stop running…”

“I wasn’t running. I was just… Taking a breather.” Yifan huffs at the lame excuse, glad that Yixing doesn’t sound as convinced of it as he probably tries to.

“Taking a breather doesn’t mean leaving the people who care about you for almost a year with no news of your wellbeing whatsoever. I thought I also told you to stop being an ass?”

Yixing’s head lowers and Yifan feels the gaze fall away from him. He feels vindictively satisfied for some reason.

 

 

“We’ll see you soon then, Yixing.” He smiles at Emma, waving one last time at Lilly, who’s already in the car and nods his head. “Thanks again, Yifan, I really appreciate you helping out.” Emma then thanks the other male, before getting into the car as well. He keeps his eyes on the little girl in the car until she’s out of sight. His chest constricts painfully when she’s gone.

“Spitting image of her parents.” Yifan states behind him. His breath hitches. “Her father especially.” His insides grow cold, but he keeps his face schooled as he turns around. Yifan is already heading back inside so he follows quietly. They end up in the living room. Yifan doesn’t take a seat, so neither does he.

“You can’t carry something like that on your own, Yixing.” His eyes shoot up to the other man’s face, surprised. Yifan’s looking at him now. Expression neutral, the man looks angry still in that moment. “Why don’t you just talk to me?” There’s a hand then, reached out to him almost amiably.

He looks from the hand to Yifan’s face and back a few times, gauging the situation. “Just take the damn leap, Yixing. Trust me.” The words are spoken with clear frustration this time, Yifan’s face shifting to display the emotion in his expression as well. The hand is offered to him again. He still hesitates. Yifan drops the hand and hums, starting to turn away.

“Alright. It was nice seeing you, Yixing. I hope you get home safe. Wherever that is.”

“I miss him.” It hangs in the silence between them for a while, Yifan’s back turned to him. But then he sees the set of the other male’s shoulder soften. He breathes out a quivering sigh, then confesses the rest of his shame. “His hands, his smile, his voice, his warmth, his kisses.” Yifan turns. Yixing almost expects him to get mad. After all, Luhan’s wife and child have only just left the house. The other male just walks over to him and pulls him into a hug.

“I’m sorry.” It’s the same apology as everyone else. The same useless comfort. “You’re allowed to hurt, Yixing. You’re allowed to mourn the loss of someone you love. Just don’t try to do this alone. All the secrets will smother you eventually.” A pause. Yixing’s chest aches with the guilt and sadness, and the weight of the truth in Yifan’s words. “I’m here for you.”

The dam breaks, his emotions streaming out of him. Yifan continues to hold his trembling shape.

 

“He was too afraid of someone finding out. So he found someone he thought he could like and got married. Three months later he came back to me, said he couldn’t live without me. Asked me to still be with him. In secret.”

It feels freeing to finally talk about it with someone, after all these years. Yifan is sitting in the armchair next to his. The man’s not looking at him, but rather at the floor. They both have a bottle of beer.

“I asked him what about people finding out. He said they wouldn’t suspect anything as easily anymore because he was a married man now.” He’s quiet for a moment, remembering. “I couldn’t let him go. I couldn’t give up on us. So I agreed. We told no one. Half a year later Lilly was born. I never thought it was possible but I loved her almost as much as I loved him.” He takes a swig from his beer, the memories sting as he swallows them down along with the drink.

“No one ever suspected a thing. I’d started to believe that we could actually grow old like that. That one day when Lilly was old enough, he’d tell them the truth and he would divorce Emma. That there was still some time for us, somewhere down the line. I quenched my guilt with the thought of how Luhan had asked for this himself.” A bitter smile appears on his face. “Then they blew up a building with him in it.”

Even the words taste bitter, his face scrunching up in distaste. In pain. Yifan empties his beer bottle with a last swig.

“It’s never not gonna hurt, Yixing. But you will get to a point where it’s at least a bit more bearable. Losing someone is always like that, especially someone you cared for so much. It’s going to be difficult not to blame yourself for their death either somehow, but you shouldn’t. It wasn’t your fault. Although there will always be asses who’ll make fucked up comments about it that will put you right back on that point where you blame yourself.” He realises Yifan is talking about him, when he’d blamed the other for his squad’s death. He takes the reprimand. “But you’ll get there.”

For some reason, the words soothe some of the ever-present ache inside of him. Until Yifan adds more.

“Meanwhile, you should stay a part of Lilly’s life. Be her uncle.”

“How?” He questions, stunned, unable to comprehend why Yifan would tell him to do something like that. “How can I do that when I’ve been lying to them for years?” Yifan’s eyes rise to meet this. He sees the judgement in them, but also the understanding.

“Because she loves you. Because you’re the closest thing to a father for her now. Because she has no idea and you shouldn’t make her the victim of what you and Luhan decided to do.” The words are harsh but they ring true. Yixing goes quiet as he listens. “Because if you’ve ever truly felt guilty for what you were doing, you should repent by being there for her every single day, for the rest of her life. Like her father can’t anymore now.”

Yifan’s eyes move away from him again, flicking over to the ground once more. “For both of them.”

 

 

“Come on, Yixing. Time to get up.” A groan follows his words. Yixing just pulls the blanket further over his head. When Yifan reaches out to take a hold of it, Yixing’s hand catches his wrist to stop him. Sleepy eyes peek out above the blanket again a moment later and he is glared at unconvincingly. He simply looks back. Yixing’s response is to pull him in. He follows easily, too easily, finding a comfortable position in the bed with his back turned to his former captain.

“I am not Luhan,” he says once he’s settled, feeling Yixing’s entire body tense up. He knows that what he’s saying probably hurts the other male, but he also knows he owes it to himself to say it. “And I am not a rebound. So unless you’re going to want me for me, don’t try to get involved with me.” It’s said as calmly as he can muster. He feels Yixing slowly let go of his wrist, but doesn’t move away. Then, suddenly, Yixing’s hand is on his back, stroking softly.

“Thank you for being here for me.” He hums, but doesn’t reply. Yixing’s hand keeps softly stroking over his back. He trusts the other man enough to eventually fall asleep. It says enough about how far gone he is that he even allows himself such vulnerability in front of the man. Then again, Yixing has always had a way of making him give in all too easily. Something about his eyes, Yifan thinks, which display such an immense sadness and vulnerability, even though everything else about the man screams confidence and strength.

When he wakes again, there’s an arm slung over his middle. He looks down at the hand resting on the mattress and breathes out a soft sigh, trying not to move too much when he does so. He hesitates for a long moment, but then turns himself over onto his other side, so he can be faced with the man who’s in the bed with him. Yixing’s eyes are still closed, but his eyelids tremble because of the movement and his breathing changes.

Yifan watches the way the other male slowly awakens from his slumber, his eyes going over every one of Yixing’s features. There’s not even the slightest bit of surprise when the other man’s eyes open to the sight of him. It amuses him a little, but also irks him, because it means Yixing was more than aware of the arm that had been put around him earlier on in the night. He doesn’t say anything, though, simply waits for the man opposite of him to fully awake and become aware of what’s going on.

“Morning.” Of course that would be the only thing Yixing says, not even attempting to pull his arm away again. For some reason he’s not mad, but more amused.

“Morning,” he responds, allowing the other man the space to move a little into a more comfortable position. The arm remains loosely draped over his side. “You’re going to tell me what this is about?” He nods towards said limb, causing Yixing to follow the direction of his head before turning back to face him so he can reply.

“I did come to find you for you.”

 

The silence in between them is comfortable. It is the first time in a long time, Yifan realises. Yixing stands a few steps away from him, looking out over his garden. Yifan takes in his shape, the casual clothing style looking strange to him, who is used to seeing the other man in his uniform. Yixing’s bare feet rest upon the last stone of his terrace, right before the part where his garden truly begins. Yifan smiles fondly at the sight of the man, happy to know that Yixing is finally starting to find peace again.

He walks over then, unable to stop himself in that moment, and slides his arms around the younger man’s middle. Yixing tenses up instantly. Yifan can feel it, almost every muscle in the man’s body readying itself to escape from their position. He doesn’t really try to stop him, but doesn’t let go either, instead just leaning in a bit more and resting his chin on Yixing’s left shoulder. It takes a moment before a shudder runs through the body he’s holding and Yixing puts a hand on his arm and turns in his hold.

“What if someone sees us?” There is a hint of fear in the other man’s eyes as they flick around to check his neighbour’s houses. Yifan finds it almost painful to look at. But he steels himself against the feelings he has for the man with him and shrugs his shoulders lightly, loosening his grip from around Yixing’s middle.

“I am not Luhan.” He states it again as he takes a step back, watches the effect he knows the name has on his companion course through the still tense body. “I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to pretend. If you want to put your arms around me and kiss me in the safety of our bedroom, then you should also be alright with doing it where people can see you. I’m not asking you to do this in front of our friends, or anyone else you know, but I do think I am allowed to hug and kiss whoever the hell I want in my own backyard.

Yifan can easily follow every single one of the emotions that course through Yixing, because the man has become an open book to him. Showing this much vulnerability is what convinces Yifan that Yixing truly is thinking of being something with him. Perhaps it will take a long time before they can truly be something solid, but he has to begrudgingly admit to himself that he’ll take whatever he can get. In the year and a half he’s known the man – almost a year of those having just passed with Yixing nowhere near – he has come to care about him strongly.

He is surprised still, however, when Yixing’s the one to put himself into motion next, closing the distance between them again and burying himself in his arms. Yifan tries not to be too amused, but can’t help the smile that appears on his face as he gently tightens his hold on the other male. He allows himself to enjoy this moment of total and complete vulnerability that Yixing is showing him. Tilting his head slightly, he places a comforting kiss in Yixing’s hair.

“It’s alright. I’m here for you.”


	4. 04:00

Yixing doesn’t know how many more times he can kiss Yifan, but he’s pretty sure it’s plenty. They have had an entire week to themselves already, and although hesitant at first, he’s now more than content to snuggle on the bench outside or kiss the other male randomly whenever he feels like it. The freedom of it is exhilarating. The fond smile on Yifan’s face whenever he expresses his enthusiasm about it, is even more so.

He still thinks of Luhan, of course, his best friend and lover for over a decade, but the warmth and care he feels for Yifan is real too. He thoroughly enjoys every minute he gets to spend with the other male. He can only hope that Yifan is just as fond of his company, but considering that he hasn’t been kicked out of the house yet, that seems to be the case at least somewhat.

His world is slowly on the mend, his sleep finally no longer interrupted by nightmares every night. There is only one problem, and that is the fact that he still hasn’t gotten himself a new job yet, and there’s only so much longer he can go without an income. Yifan hasn’t asked him about it yet, but he’s pretty sure the other man wonders about it too. Then again, he has been wrong about Yifan before and he might be so again.

But as it is, Yixing doesn’t have much left to wish for. Not currently, at least. For the first time in over a year he feels at peace. It feels like he can take on the world again without going under every time something unexpected happens. It also feels very good to love again, especially considering how loved he feels in return. Yifan is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he can already hardly imagine life without the male anymore.

 

“I’m being deployed again.” His world comes apart. He doesn’t understand the reality of the situation in the first few moments, but then it all comes rushing in, along with a fear that overwhelms all his senses and leaves him incapable of even breathing properly. “Yixing? Yixing are you okay?” He wants to say that of course he’s okay. He’s a grown ass man in the special forces even, he never gets this emotional. But the truth is not at all like that. The truth is that he’s about to suffocate on his own breath.

Yifan’s face is close to his in an instant, there are lips on his the next moment. The kiss feels endless, time comes to a full stop. When it ends, he takes in a deep breath. His lungs feel relived, filling themselves with air again, his heart slowly settles back down. Two endless dark pools filled with worry meet him when he looks up. He stares back for an undefined amount of time.

“You okay again?” Yifan, who never asks more than what Yixing can explain, as if the other male knows exactly what goes on in his mind. He nods faintly, then breathes out almost carefully. Yifan’s hands are on his face still, so he closes his eyes. The silence lasts a while.

“I’m terrified.” He’s usually never this honest about his negative emotions. But this matters. It’s important. Yifan needs to know. “I’m terrified that I’m going to lose you too.” A hitching breath. “Don’t go.” He knows that’s impossible. “Stay with me. Let’s go on a holiday. Let’s leave it all behind.” Yifan smiles, amused, but the rejection soon follows.

“I can’t. You know that.” He does, but he doesn’t want to know. He wants to pretend that all is good and right in the world. That Yifan is never going to leave his side. Especially not to head to some kind of dangerous place. It’s useless. The world is not that kind to him. Work is work and Yifan has to go. His eyes plead with the other male regardless and he knows it’s unfair to use puppy eyes but he’s honestly, truly, utterly terrified.

“Yixing…” Yifan’s voice is soft, warm, filled with care, a little bit of blame. Then a sigh follows. “It’s going to be alright. I’ll come back to you.” He feels the hands on the side of his face, still, cupping his cheeks. Thumbs stroke over his skin.

“Don’t go.” A weak plea. He knows he won’t find agreement in Yifan’s eyes but he looks for it anyway. Desperately, almost. “Don’t leave me.”

Yifan kisses him. Soft. Deep. A promise, perhaps. Most definitely reassurance. He closes his eyes. Keeps them closed even when the kiss has ended.

“I’ll come back to you. One way or the other. I won’t leave you like this.”

He takes the reassurance, builds his confidence on it even though he knows Yifan can’t promise anything like that for certain.

“I love you.”

 

 

“Run!” Marquez shouts at them from his position up in the tower. “There’s too many of them. Run!” He wants to protest. How can he leave behind a fellow soldier? But Morrison’s pulling at his arm, shouting for him to move so they can leave. They hear the blast first, then see the projectile going straight for the tower Marquez is in. The entire building explodes in front of their eyes.

He thinks of Yixing, of how the man saw his lover get blown up like this. He finally understands even but a sliver of what the other male has gone through. He thinks of how this is the second time for Morrison to see a comrade die like that. Reality hits him like a sledgehammer. He comes to his feet, grabs Morrison by the sleeve and pulls. Hard.

“Jack!” He yells, to try and get the man to come to his senses. Now he’s the one shouting for them to leave. Funny, almost, how these things turn so easily. “Jack, we have to go! Let’s get to Jones and Debussy. We have got to get out of here!” He breathes in an unsteady breath, tries to remember the roads and the safest way to get the hell out of there. Morrison seems to remember who and where he is because the Sergeant Major starts moving again too.

They reach the other two not long after and head for their jeep together. Their mission was to keep the outpost, but with an army like the one that’s advancing on it right now, they’ll be lucky to even make it out alive. The outpost will have to be taken again by their own army. There’s nothing much he can do with his team without proper backup.

Soon he’s looking at the maps with Morrison again, trying their best to find a good place to lay low and attempt to contact headquarters. Neither of them say it out loud, but as the silence lasts he knows what they’re both thinking. ‘What would Yixing do?’ He’s never had trouble admitting that Yixing is the best captain out of the two of them, after all, and Morrison’s admiration for the older man is still limitless. Besides, there’s a reason Lisa continues to try and convince Yixing to come back every other month or so.

“If we take the backroads here, we might make it to the Wilson Military Base. If we try and radio in on the way there might be backup ready to help us take the outpost back.” He looks up at Morrison, who’s nodding thoughtfully.

“Sounds like a plan,” the man agrees easily and Yifan exchanges a tight-lipped smile with him. “But if we want to radio in, we should take these roads. We’ll be more likely to get a signal there.” Yifan sighs, because those are more dangerous roads, but then nods. If they don’t manage to radio in, this war is as good as lost anyway.

“Alright. We’ll take those then,” he therefore agrees vocally as well. “Better put Debussy in charge of the radio. If anyone’s going to manage contacting the main camp, it’s most probably going to be him.” Morrison grins and Yifan smiles back. He hopes they’ll make it out alive.

He has someone to get back to, after all.

 

He’s starting to lose hope. It’s been eight months, thirteen days and approximately five hours since he’s last seen Yixing. Since he’s confessed his feelings for the man. Yixing had been surprised, but had not given a reply. They’d not spoken of it again, and had only used their remaining time to hold each other close. He knows Yixing is still waiting for him anyway, because he promised he’d return. He doesn’t know if he can still keep that promise.

The outpost is lost to them entirely. They never made it back to the military camp, cut off by enemy forces. Jones is either taken hostage or DOA. A part of him hopes it’s the latter, so the man wouldn’t have had to undergo the enemy’s torturing methods. Morrison sits next to him quietly, probably thinking of his wife and kids. Debussy’s hiding a little end away from them.

He thinks of Lilly. Of the way her hair flows in the wind and the way her joyful smile can light up the world. An explosion almost too close for comfort lights up the world in an entirely different way. The shouting intensifies. So does the sound of bullets being fired. Almost like there are more people joining the fight.

He wonders if he’s going to die. Morrison lifts his head and Yifan sees the same question in his Sergeant Major’s eyes. They nod at each other, mutual understanding being their biggest connection in this very moment.

Then, suddenly, there’s a man right next to Morrison. Yifan’s eyes widen in shock and his mouth opens to call out a warning, raising his gun. The sound dies in his throat when the newcomer takes off his helmet.

“I heard someone was in need of saving.” Yifan’s pretty damn sure he’s already bleeding out and he’s started to hallucinate, because there’s no other way Yixing can be here. Morrison’s face shows the exact same shock, however, so Yifan’s forced to do a double take.

“Jones escaped captivity and came to warn the main forces.” Yixing seems to sense their disbelief, but just grins in clear amusement. “So your backup’s here guys. Time to look less like you’ve seen a ghost and show them what you’re made of instead.” Yifan prays to every god he can think of that this man is real. Morrison snaps out of his daze.

“Captain!” Yifan knows it’s not directed at him, but he doesn’t mind. “What do we do now?” The grin clears. Determination takes its place.

“We stick to the plan. And we make them pay for what they did to our friends.” Yixing sounds as determined as he looks. An immense wave of relief washes over Yifan. Suddenly breathing seems easier, suddenly the war seems a lot less hard. He doesn’t know how Yixing can be here, in the middle of the warzone, but he can’t quite care about it either because he’s just too damn glad to see the other man. “Come on guys. I said look less like you’ve seen a ghost, not more.”

Morrison barks out a laugh. Yifan feels himself starting to grin as well, unable to help himself. He pushes himself a bit more upward, then takes the hand Yixing reaches out to him.

“One way or the other,” Yixing says, and he feels his entire being soar. He wishes he could put into words the way he feels right now, but Morrison is still standing next to them as well. For the first time, it feels like he’s the one who doesn’t know what to say and Yixing finds exactly the right words, when the other male smiles at him almost warmly. “Let’s get out of here.”

 

 

“You take your guys up North. Zhang, your team and Alpha team get going to take back the outpost. The majority of their forces has continued on to West-Noviak, so you sure to go around and surprise the remainder of their forces. Only try to take the base if the odds are good. I don’t want any more casualties on our side than what’s absolutely necessary.” Yixing nods at the Lieutenant, taking in the war plans displayed on the table in between them.

“Wu, you can have command over this group. You know the territory.” Lisa continues on, but Yifan interrupts her.

“If I may, Lieutenant, I believe it will be much better if Captain Zhang takes command. I will assist him with my knowledge, but I feel he will make the better decisions right now.”

The Lieutenant turns to look at him, so Yixing nods, not saying anything and just accepting the responsibility. It’s clear that Yifan is not up for taking the lead, so he’s not going to try and discuss it.

“Alright. As is.” Lisa motions for them all to start moving. “Let’s go. We have a war to win.”

They file out of the main building and head back to their own units. Yifan falls into step next to him. It’s the first moment alone they get. He turns to look at the older male, but Yifan’s attention is on the ground. So he keeps walking too, then corners the other male the minute they’re inside of the building. He sneaks his arm around Yifan’s middle and pulls him aside, out of people in the main hallway’s sight.

“Hey. You’re safe.” It’s an almost whispered reassurance he gives the other male. “I’ve got you.” To his credit, Yifan doesn’t come entirely undone, but there are arms around his middle quite quickly, and he feels the quivering breath against his collarbones. “It’s okay.” Stress, he knows, is very dangerous on the battlefield. Watching someone in your team get blown up, even more so. He’s never met Marquez, but Yifan’s been fighting with him for over a year, after all. He waits until the tremble subsides before slowly letting go.

Yifan looks up at him, the lines in the man’s face portraying an immense sorrow. Yixing’s not at all brave or ready to be back at war, in all honesty, but for Yifan he has to be. He wants to be. So he lifts a hand and gently cups the man’s face, stroking over his cheek with his thumb. Yifan’s eyes close and Yixing’s heart flutters at the clear sign of trust. He leans in and kisses the soft lips he’s had to miss for months. He wants to be soft about it, but Yifan instantly moves in, clings to him and kisses him hard.

He follows, allows the other man this, if that’s what he needs. They only break apart after quite some time., when Yixing has also long lost himself in their kiss. Their breathing is heavy, their heartbeats fast. He doesn’t know what to say so he stays quiet. Yifan looks at him from beneath the softest set of eyelashes he’s ever seen. Even Luhan’s lashes have never looked like this to him.

“I’m so glad you’re real.” Yifan’s voice is very soft, warm too. Yixing’s expression turns a little amused, then endeared and worried. He wishes he could say everything that weighs heavy on his heart, but the moment’s not right. Yifan does it for him not much later. “I love you.”

 

“Captain!” Morrison’s face brightens when he enters the room. Jones and Debussy look up too. He’s already spent quite some time talking with Jones considering that’s the one who guided him to find the others. But it’s the first time he sees Debussy again. Hugs are exchanged, it feels like he never left. They don’t speak of home, but they ask about him and he tells them he’s doing better now.

It’s not long before his new team files into the room as well. He introduces the men to each other properly. His four new men are well-trained and very skilled, but their dynamic is not yet on point like it should be for a special ops team. They, however, definitely have what it takes to get there. He’s certain they’ll work together great with the others. Delong is his new Sergeant Major, Rensy’s the sniper, Rubens the one who works out the technical stuff and Overo their explosives expert. The team won’t be a problem. The real trouble, he knows, is their mission.

“Alright men. We’re tasked with taking the outpost back. The main army has moved on. All we need to do is take out the leftover defences so our own forces can enter and claim it. Ten they can continue on their advance and corner the enemy between the two forces.” All the faces around him look hopeful at the thought of this war finally ending. They’re all focused on him, listening intently. Yifan is looking at him too and he catches a warm smile. He feels like he could take on the world in that moment.

It’s a vast change compared to the state he was in four months ago, when Lisa had called him to tell him of his team having gone MIA. He’d gone a little crazy, admittedly. He’d never made the trip to base quicker than that day. He probably shouted at her way too loud. He probably made a big scene, too. He still doesn’t care what any of the others thought of him back then. He’d gotten them to reinstate him within the same day and to give him a team to find the others with. It’s all he could think about.

And here they are. Safe and sound. All of them. It’s the first time he manages to breathe easily ever since Yifan was deployed over eight months ago. The war still terrifies him, truthfully, but he feels like it’s more manageable now that he can keep an eye on his men. He does a double take at that thought. Yifan, mostly. He’s more worried about Yifan than anyone else currently present in the room. The only other person who could probably pull more emotions from him is Lilly.

He finishes explaining their strategy to the entire team after several more minutes, then wishes them all a good night’s rest. They’ll leave in the morning only, after all, and he wants to spend some more time with the tall Alpha Team captain. But before he can do so, he is called away again because Lisa needs to talk to him. Heaving a deep sigh, he merely exchanges another gaze with Yifan before following after the messenger.

 

 

The night is falling. They’ve driven almost a full day, then walked the rest of the road so that they could hide out nearby the outpost. Rensy and Jones are scouting the area – including looking at how many enemies they’re going to be facing later. Debussy and Morrison sit with Yixing and the rest of his new team. They all seem very nice, but Yifan doesn’t feel like having rowdy small talk. He’s watching Yixing. The smile on his face. Listening to the way the other man’s voice occasionally filters through to where Yifan is seated.

Their goal seems hard from what Yifan has last seen of the outpost, but Yixing looks optimistic. Then again, the last he has seen of the place is Marquez blowing up, so maybe he’s not a good judge right now. As if on cue with his horrible thoughts, Yixing appears next to him. He didn’t notice the other male coming over. A hand is put on his and he starts, automatically looking over at the others. They’re not watching but anyone could look over any minute.

“It’s okay,” Yixing speaks, so he looks back at the man. “I don’t mind. Do you?” The hold on his hand lessens, but Yixing doesn’t pull away entirely yet. He looks at the relaxed line on the other man’s face, then starts to smile ever so slowly and shakes his head. It’s strange, how someone can change so much and yet not at all in the time you don’t see them. The hold on his hand tightens again, Yixing smiles back at him warmly. He feels the stress slowly seep out of his shoulders a little.

It’s like they’re right back to the beginning, out in the field together again. Only now they get along a lot better. Despite being smaller than him, Yixing still looks as impressive as always in his uniform, causing him to feel safe. He knows Yixing won’t let them die. He also knows he would give his life for this man. The feeling is clearly mutual. He realises he’s truly part of the team now. He has truly filled the space Luhan’s death had left.

“Lilly told me to bring you back in one piece, so I had no choice.” Yixing’s smiling. Yifan lets out a chuckle. Happy, mostly, that this means Yixing has continued to see the little girl and spend time with her. His heart aches a little at the thought of Lilly. He misses home, the familiar safety. His work used to be his life, but now he’s clearly found other things to take that title. He wants to spend long days with Yixing in the spring sun, wants to watch Lilly play, laugh and grow. He wants, most of all, not to be so afraid anymore that he might die and miss out on all of it.

He used to love his work for the thrill of it, the adventure. But then those had always been short missions. He’s never been in the same fight for months on end like he is right now. He’s never been at war. And war, he realises in that fleeting moment, is not something he wants to be a part of.

“Yifan?” His attention returns to the present. He focuses his gaze on Yixing’s worried expression. “Are you going to be okay?” For some reason, he feels the other men’s gazes on him too. Maybe he’s been quiet way too long. He smiles, though, nods his head, tightens his hold on Yixing’s hand a bit more. It’s only a moment’s hesitation before he lifts both their hands to his face and gently kisses the back of Yixing’s fingers.

“I will be now that you’re here.”

The worry on Yixing’s face softens away into mild surprise. He doesn’t try to see which expression follows after it, but just closes his eyes and leans in to rest his head against the younger male’s shoulder. He’ll deal with the consequences of his current public display later, when the job is done. For now, he’ll enjoy the comfort of having the man he loves close beside him – and holding hands.

 

“No!” “Morrison!” “Watch it!” “Captain!!”

The shouts follow upon each other quickly, just as the events do. Yifan watches in horror how Yixing shoves Morrison out of the way when the stones beneath their feet start to rumble and tremble dangerously. His Sergeant Major stumbles to safety, but when the floor of the building collapses, Yixing goes down with it. The outcry of fear coming from Yifan’s own lips gets swallowed in the sounds of half the building collapsing in on itself.

When the thundering sound dies away, what’s left is deafening silence, all eight of them who remain looking over at the mountain of bricks and boulders incredulously. Yifan snaps back to life first, it seems. He knows they don’t have the means to dig Yixing out, so the mission still comes first. And considering how close they are to accomplishing it, he steels his heart and turns to the remaining soldiers with him.

“Rensy, keep your eyes on the enemy!” The words seem empty even to his own ears, but at least Rensy listens and focuses his gaze back through his sniper. Yifan motions for the others to re-group around him. “There’s nothing we can do for him right now. When the main army gets here we’ll get ourselves the necessary tools. But right now, to be able to do that later, we need to make sure all the enemies are gone.” He pauses a moment, swallows hard. “So, let’s stick to the plan. And make them pay for what they did to our friend.”

The familiar words – Yixing’s words – find clear agreement with the others, so it luckily doesn’t take much longer for them all to turn their backs on the building. They currently have the advantage, considering their few remaining enemies probably think most of them have gone down – if not all. So this is the best moment to strike. Yifan has not a single doubt that the collapsing of the building was pre-planned, causing him to rush forward with even more determination.

They make it over the hill just fine with some cover from Rensy, and then the shooting is upon them again. Yifan knows the rest of his team knows the plan so he doesn’t waste too much time trying to keep an eye on all of them. He just keeps going, straight toward the last remainders of their enemy’s defences. It’s funny how these things go, because the entire road seems to have taken them years, but the actual fight itself is over as soon as it begins. But his own tension doesn’t lessen in the least, waiting for the main troops to arrive and for them to have a shot at trying to get Yixing out from under the rubble.

They need a couple of tanks in the end, and a few good chains properly connected with which they can drag away most of the heavy rubble, before even thinking of clearing the rest away with their hands. When they finally manage to free Yixing from beneath all the rocks and stones, it looks like they’re lifting a lifeless body out of the building’s basement. A rather large part of the floor stayed in one piece above him, however, which has taken most of the blow for him, but there is still no saying how badly he’s been injured without a proper examination.

When they put Yixing’s lifeless body in the back of a truck to transport him back to their best medical facility, Yifan’s entire body seems to grow cold. He takes better hold of his gun, turns his gaze to the other side where the war is raging, and puts himself into motion.

Someone is going to pay for this.


	5. 05:00

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't shoot me for any medical inaccuracies. Or typos. This entire fic is unbeta'd as I've mentioned before. This entire fic is also un-researched. lol

He shoots upright in the bed, gasping for air and clawing at his throat with his hands. Something’s lodged in his trachea and he can’t seem to breathe properly, his avid swallows not helping him clear anything at all. Distraught sounds leave him and he can hear them, surprisingly, but the gravity of his situation is worse than the revelation that he can hear. He’s about to lose himself to the grips of an all-encompassing panic when the door to his room flies open.

“Calm down!” That’s the first thing he understands as a group of three young females run towards him, clothed in some sort of teal hospital wear. “We’re going to get the tube out of your throat, just calm down you’ll be able to breathe normally again in a second!”

His wide eyes focus on the one who’s talking to him, fixating on her seemingly equally surprised expression when a new bout of information registers. Something’s stuck in his throat, alright, but he hasn’t choked yet. His lungs are expanding and decreasing in size, providing his body with the necessary oxygen. That’s when the reality of the situation hits him. Breathing tube, nurses, white bedroom: he’s in the hospital.

He calms down long enough to give them time to pull whatever is inside of him back out and then he’s coughing and dry heaving. Helping hands are everywhere to calm down his system and body so it takes a surprisingly short time for him to settle. They lift the top of his bed a little so he can sit up slightly and still have back support. He watches one of the three frantically try to call someone, but doesn’t comment on it. Instead he focuses on the one on his right who asks the first question.

“Do you remember what happened, sir?”

He smiles, a little amused but mostly polite. “I had the weirdest dream,” he admits, lifting a hand to scratch his head. There are several wires attached to him and he remembers he’s in a hospital. “Well, maybe it wasn’t a dream?” He looks over to the one on his right for an explanation, but she just looks at him waiting. “I was walking in a very hot place, maybe a desert?” She doesn’t exactly nod, but he thinks he’s right anyway from the way her eyes flick over to one of the other two. “The world came apart all around me. Then I was flying.”

He chuckles, because that is exactly the way he would explain a dream. Unrelated events one after the other as if they had some chronological order to go by. “Oh, and my ears were ringing,” he adds as an afterthought, nodding once.

“A building collapsed,” the one on his right affirms for him then, which catches his attention because those words mean that his dreams weren’t so unrealistic after all. “You were walking on the ground floor when it collapsed into the basement and the entire building came down, sir.”

“Oh… Oh, that’s… Unfortunate. Very unfortunate indeed.” They all stare at him like he’s a walking miracle – that or he’s become incredibly ugly since he’s last checked his face in the mirror. “How, uh… How long ago was that?”

“Four years, sir.”

 

He doesn’t remember what happened after that. They say it’s normal, his short-term memory could be affected due to his only just having woken up from a coma. It’s no wonder the three nurses were looking at him like he was a walking ghost. They’ve moved him meanwhile to the living and self-breathing people’s department in the hospital. He’s not entirely sure what that place is called. He’s kept under constant surveillance, however, as it has only been three days since his miraculous recovery.

But at least he now has a card on the table next to him, with a note scribbled for his well-wishing by a certain Jack. He has no idea who Jack is. He hasn’t told them that yet, however, he doesn’t want to hear another ‘oh that’s normal, it’ll come back to you, sir.’ He’s still waiting for his own name to come back to him, after all.

What he remembers clearer than day, however, is the face of the man he’d been looking at on that fateful day. The dark eyes that had stared at him from between all the dust and stones, the panicked expression that had washed over the man’s face, the relief at seeing how the ground beneath this other man’s feet was still solid. He doesn’t know who this man was either. He hasn’t tried to ask them anything other than the things he thinks people would normally ask after waking from a coma.

Like: ‘Who’s the president now?’ and ‘Are fruit loops still a thing?’ Luckily, they are, so that’s one less thing to worry about. But the more plaguing questions he keeps to himself, mostly because he doesn’t want to ask them any further details about his life until he at least can remember his own name. The therapist they almost instantly assigned to him tells him it’s a bad idea, but how much does he really want to know about a life if he doesn’t even remember the name of the one living it?

Speaking of his therapist, it’s about time for her to arrive and there’s a knock on his door, so he turns his head to look over at her as she enters. The face that is revealed to him is very much not that of a female, however, and so he frowns a little. The man who walks up to his bed is not dressed like a nurse or a doctor and he most definitely doesn’t know him. That is, of course, until he looks at the intense dark eyes that are the stuff of dreams – or very distant, four years old memories.

He gets a heart attack.

They call it a seizure. Too much activity in his brain causing it to go haywire and send him into a shocking frenzy. His visitor, they said, will return to him some other time, because the man needed some time to get over his own surprise. He doesn’t blame the other guy, doesn’t know what he himself would do if someone suddenly had an attack in front of him. Probably nothing. He’s not a doctor or anything after all.

 

 

Yifan stands at the side of the road. He’s been waiting to cross, but there is no one stopping for him. He blinks a few times, focuses on the road and realises he’s standing next to a lamp post, not a stoplight. Yixing’s awake again, but he’s not sure what it implies. Trouble, definitely. His entire world came to a stop when he heard the news. Now, now he’s just afraid.

Four years. It’s been four years since the events that led to Yixing’s coma. He doesn’t understand a single thing. Except that Yixing doesn’t seem to remember anyone. That’s what they told him. All the things he’s worked four long years to deal with and eventually leave behind him, are simply forgotten by the other person involved. Yifan has long lost sight of the invincible image he had of Yixing, but this is honestly worse than seeing him lying motionlessly in the hospital bed.

He doesn’t know what this means for him. Doesn’t know what his future will look like now. He realises that slowly but surely, he’s started to think Yixing would never wake up again. He’s started to plan for the rest of his life without him. And Yixing waking up now, honestly only makes him feel uncomfortable and confused. Not happy. Not relieved. Shouldn’t he feel more than just awkward knowing that someone he’s loved has finally returned to him? He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

His phone rings. He looks at the caller, then picks up. “Hey.”

“Is it true?” Of course that’s the question he’s going to have to answer now. Plenty more times, most probably. He heaves a sigh and closes his eyes, rubbing his temples with his fingers.

“Yeah. He’s awake. But he doesn’t recognise anyone, they say. Doesn’t remember anything clearly either. And he had a seizure.” The silence tells him more than any words would. “I’m sorry. I don’t think he’ll recognise Lilly, either.” A sigh from the other side. More silence. “I’m sorry love.” He hears the smile in the breath she breathes out. He knows she’s afraid as well, though.

“So what happens now?” That’s _the_ question, is it not? He heaves a sigh of his own.

“I don’t know, Emma.” He can only be honest. There is no point in trying to make it sound better than it is. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what will happen next. “I really don’t know.” His voice strains with the weight of all the feelings this entire ordeal has awakened inside of him. He knows Emma can hear it too.

“It’s okay, honey. Just come home first. We’ll talk when you’re here with us again. Lilly’s waiting for you too.” He can’t help but smile, feeling warm at the thought of his family waiting at home. Closing his eyes for a moment, he sighs deeply then and gives a short nod of his head, even though she can’t see him in that moment.

“Alright. I’m hauling a cab now. I’ll see you soon.” A pause, a breath, a thought. “I love you.”

 

Darkness envelops him. He’s seated in his office chair, staring at the pictures on his fireplace mantle. He has a lot of questions, a lot of worries. One single problem more important than the others. What comes next? His eyes stop on a picture of him and his team, taken back in the day on one of their better missions. Yixing has an arm slung around Morrison’s shoulders, Debussy and Jones sit crouched in front. Yifan himself stands next to Yixing, a relaxed grin on his face.

He remembers that moment. That was long before everything went to shit. His eyes wander on to the medals he got for his efforts in the final war. He decides he doesn’t want to think about that. He turns to his desk again, looks at the picture of Emma, Lilly and him. The first picture taken after they all moved in together six months ago. Emma had lost her job, the costs had run high and he had offered for them to move into his house together with him.

Lilly had been ecstatic. Emma had eventually accepted the offer after he had allowed her to share in the general monthly costs. At the end of the day, it had been a great idea. They’ve all grown even closer in the past six months. His romance with Emma, however, that had started long before any of the financial trouble. Emma had been a great help for him when he was dealing with the whole aftermath of the war, and Lilly’s visits are one of the main reasons he finally managed to properly deal with his PTSD.

He’s always tried to be truthful with them – Emma more so than Lilly because the latter is still so young. So three years ago he had told her everything. About Yixing and him. First thing she’d asked him was if Luhan and Yixing had been involved too. He hadn’t answered that question, but Emma had made her own conclusions. Eventually, a few months later, upon continuous further probing by her, he had told her everything he knew about the two best friends and lovers’ relationship.

Admittedly Emma had taken it quite well. She’d clearly had plenty of her own suspicions long before he told her anything, so he didn’t really shock her, more like he confirmed what she had already thought was the case. In the end, she’d told him she was glad that Luhan had decided to stay with her. She told him that she’d always known and felt that Luhan loved her, and especially Lilly, no matter what way that was in. She’d also been grateful for Yixing not abandoning them entirely after Luhan’s death – at least not in the end. Yifan didn’t tell her about his part in that.

When eventually Emma had told him of her feelings for him, he’d been honest with her too. He’d still loved Yixing back then, but he’d realised he had to accept reality and had been willing to try something with her. After all, Emma had always been kind, easy to talk to. She’d joked a few times about how she always seemed to fall for the wrong guys – considering both his and Luhan’s interest in Yixing – but had never held it against him even the slightest. Which is how eventually they’d found their own way to come together.

And now Yixing’s alive again. Yixing’s going to be walking around again. Lilly’s going to want to see her uncle. A lot. Emma will want him to be part of her life too. And she will feel guilty if they _don’t_ help him in the revalidation process. He heaves a deep sigh and closes his eyes. He doesn’t know what he himself feels about it all. Mostly numb, he has to admit. He doesn’t know what to do with the information. He doesn’t know what to do with Yixing.

And that makes _him_ feel guilty.

 

 

A knock on his door has him looking up. This time he’s prepared for the recognition and the memories that resurface with it. So he smiles. Tries not to feel too much like there are still more things attached to him than a normal person should have attached to themselves. He gets a careful smile in return and watches how his guest approaches. He wonders if the man knows he might start seizing again any moment. (Only a very slight chance of that, said the nurses earlier.)

“Hello,” he greets, keeping his eyes on his guest. “I remember you.” It’s said probably a little prouder than he should be saying something like that, but to him it feels like an achievement. It’s more than can be said of his address, phone number, occupation and everything in between. His words pull a more genuine smile from the male, who’s dressed up in a loose shirt and jeans.

“That’s good,” is the response he gets. “I remember you too. I was happy to hear that you woke up.”

“Oh. Well… That makes you the only one, I guess.” There’s a frown on his guest’s face, but he doesn’t allow any time for objections. “Everyone else was surprised instead.” Another smile, then a soft chuckle. He feels proud for having pulled this kind of reaction from the man opposite of him.

“Well, I was that, too,” the man agrees, then walks closer to the bed with a little more confidence than he’d shown so far. He looks at his visitor a little cautiously, wondering what it is the man is doing here. “But relieved as well. I would’ve thought it very sad if the man who had saved my life would have not survived himself.”

There’s another smile and then a slight ripple of fear goes through his visitor’s expression. Probably the bad memories. He wouldn’t want to remember a near-death experience either. The only reason he’s even alright with remembering the feeling of the floor giving way beneath his feet is because it is the only thing he can remember, so he wants to hold on to it for dear life.

He follows the male’s eyes to the flowers on his bedside table. “They’re from Emma,” he clarifies as he notices the man’s surprise at seeing them. “We were very close. She left a card too.” His words don’t take away the man’s confusion, it seems, because the frown on his face even deepens.

“Emma?” It’s a question for more information, he presumes, but he doesn’t have any more to offer. Smiling a little apologetically, he shrugs his shoulders.

“I don’t know who Emma is, to be quite honest,” he states, and somehow it feels a little relieving to admit it aloud to someone. Especially because the only thing that changes in the man’s expression is the frown that turns into agreeable acceptance.

“Oh, I see. Memory loss. Probably from you hitting your head.”

The man seems to know more about his circumstances than he himself does. He knows the nurses explained it to him, but honestly doesn’t remember very much of it anymore. Something to do with the memory once again, he presumes. “Probably,” he simply agrees eventually, sinking into silence as he tries (once again) to remember something about his past life. He (once again) comes up blank, feeling how the expected outcome bugs him more than usual this time around.

“My name is Jack,” the male speaks into the silence when it has lasted for what he presumes has been well over a minute. “The nurses told me you don’t want to be told anything you don’t remember, but let’s say this is our first meeting and this is just a brand-new piece of information.” When he looks up, he’s faced with an encouraging smile and it makes him smile back almost automatically.

“It’s nice to meet you, Jack,” he states, and truly means it, too. “I’m not entirely sure of my own name yet. I’ll let you know when it comes back to me.” The words for some reason pull an even wider grin from Jack, but he doesn’t feel like the other is laughing with him at all, so he simply responds with a grin of his own.

“Alright,” Jack replies. “I’ll wait to hear it from you then.” And logic dictates that Jack has long known of his name to be able to find him in the hospital and ask the nurses about him, but it still feels like Jack will know nothing of him until he tells the man himself. He feels better, for the first time since waking up, about his upcoming trials, like being able to tell someone his name will make everything worth it.

 

The girl in front of him seems about eleven or twelve. She’s got a very pretty face and will surely grow up to become a beautiful woman. There are hints of her father’s features in her face too, he knows, because she doesn’t look entirely like her mother who is standing next to her. This, apparently, is Emma. And her daughter Lilly. He has no idea who they are or if he’s supposed to know them. But his therapist has clearly told his visitors to introduce themselves to him like it’s the first time and they’re all listening so far.

But these two people are especially nice and he’s done nothing but smile since the girl appeared, so he’s pretty sure this is a good day. Lilly has already told him of their friend Funfan, who is apparently someone he needs to meet, but that name also doesn’t ring a bell. He apologised for not knowing who it is, but the both of them have been nothing but kind and patient with him. Lilly has told him of plenty of her adventures at school, and he’s listened tirelessly to all of them. She is like a ray of sunshine in his otherwise boring hospital world.

Eventually they leave. He sits on his hospital bed a little forlorn when the room returns to the quiet emptiness it had been before. Luckily his solitude is broken very shortly after when his therapist enters the room. This time, she is accompanied by another woman whom he hasn’t seen before. He lifts a hand to run it through his hair as he watches the two of them walk up to his bed. The unfamiliar woman is looking at him with an expression that seems to speak of pain.

“This is Lisa,” his therapist tells him, and so he smiles at Lisa politely. “She used to be your boss.” That’s a new piece of information. He frowns lightly at his therapist, because they’d agreed on not providing him with information he used to know but doesn’t anymore. He’s clearly ignored on purpose. “She’s here to talk to you about your past and what has happened.” He opens his mouth to protest, but his previous boss speaks up before he can.

“I would like to remind you that your entire hospital bill is being footed by our… agency. The higher ups are insisting we try and get you better as soon as possible. I’ve been told of your preference for finding out on your own, but I’m afraid that’s something we don’t have the luxury for right now.” Her words are spoken decisively. It’s no surprise she’s a boss, because he feels instantly inclined to listen to her. So he closes his mouth again, gives her a long look and then slowly nods his head to show he accepts the inevitable.

“I will be seeing my other patients in the hallway if you need me,” his therapist says, and he nods to show he understands. Lisa also thanks her, before turning back to him.

“Alright, this isn’t nice for either of us, so I’m just going to go ahead and do this,” is what she says next. He frowns lightly because he has no idea what ‘this’ is. Lisa plucks an iPad out of her purse and types on it for a short minute. Then, the screen is turned towards him and he watches a video play of a somehow familiar-seeming young man. He soon starts to speak. “Alpha Team’s second-in-command. Sergeant Major Lu Han.” The rest of whatever the man’s supposed to say is lost on him.

This time he feels the seizure coming, but it rattles through him five times as hard as the last time.

 

 

He still hasn’t gone to visit Yixing again. It’s been two weeks. Emma and Lilly have gone there just two days ago. Lilly told him all about it. She’d found it a little strange but also funny how her uncle had not known her at all. To her it’s a bit like a game, pretend like you don’t know each other. Plus, she could tell him all kinds of things about the past couple of years that she’d been dying to tell him. To Yifan, it sounds terrifying. He’s realised that the real reason he hasn’t gone back is not because he doesn’t know how he feels, but he’s afraid that Yixing truly won’t recognise him anymore.

He doesn’t know if he can handle that cold truth.

He told Emma about it, of course. She understood, but she gave him a rather fearful look. She’s afraid of what Yixing waking up means for them. He is, too. He doesn’t know what it means. What if Yixing remembers? Is he going to go back to him? What if Yixing never remembers? Are they going to tell him the full truth? Yifan honestly doesn’t know where everything’s supposed to go from here.

He’s talked to Morrison as well. Yixing had not recognised him at all, Morrison had said, but he’d genuinely smiled. A lot. Much like the first time the two of them had met, apparently. Back when Luhan was still alive. Part of him wonders what that kind of smile would look like on Yixing. Boyish but immensely handsome, he presumes. He’s never known Yixing while Luhan was still alive, after all. A big part of him wants to go see who that person was.

Morrison also told him of the jokes and the fun that particular Yixing has a lot of the time. He wishes Yixing could be like that despite the memories rather than without them. He wishes all the good things in the world for Yixing, really. But also for Emma. He knows if Yixing ends up remembering, he will always hurt one of them with the choice he makes. If only Yixing will continue to not remember, he can stay with Emma and Yixing can move on. It’s a selfish thought.

A part of him tells him he’d feel horrible for the chance he didn’t give to his and Yixing’s relationship. They’d never gotten a real chance four years ago either, after all. Right when they’d started on the endeavour, he’d been deployed, and he doesn’t have to think hard to remember how that entire mission ended.

At some point he’s going to have to choose, but he doesn’t know what his choice will be. At first, he was convinced he’d stay with Emma. Because that’s the choice he’s made, that’s what he committed to. But for the past six days all he’s managed to think of is that one strange, violent night where Yixing and him had ended up kissing in an alley. It’s not fair towards Emma, he knows, but somehow he misses the irrational and impulsive side of his relationship with Yixing.

He also misses those kisses. Hard and desperate sometimes, as if their lives depended on it, then coaxing and enticing at others. Emma is much steadier, always soft, warm. He used to appreciate it after everything he had to deal with. He thought he’d grown out of dangerous and impulsive. Turns out he only left it behind because the only one he wants to have that kind of relationship with is Yixing. Without him, soft and careful is all he could handle anymore. But now Yixing is awake again. And instantly Yifan finds himself yearning for their closeness.

This, too, is something he’s going to have to tell Emma at some point. He honestly doesn’t know how to start on that.

 

“Funfan, do you think uncle Yixing will be okay again?”

He smiles, just because Lilly doesn’t use the nickname often anymore, but whenever she does it means she’s looking for his guidance and protection. When he thinks of the subject itself, however, the smile dies out again. He heaves a little sigh. “I don’t know, beautiful,” he tells her honestly. “He might or he might not. The doctors don’t know either if he will remember.” He gives the young girl a tentative smile and shrugs his shoulders lightly.

“I hope he will.” She speaks so honestly and looks so sad in that moment that Yifan feels his heart constrict. He wants nothing but to reassure her, tell her everything’s going to be alright, but he can’t get himself to do so, because he doesn’t know if it’s the truth or not. But he can imagine how much the young girl wants the memories to return. After all, even though she’s accepted Yifan into her life as well, he knows she sees Yixing much like a second father and has kind of switched the position over to him after Luhan’s death. He can only hope that Yixing will take at least that role back up.

“Well, even if he doesn’t remember, you can tell him all about it. I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to be your uncle again.” He can smile again now, encouragingly and warm. “Who wouldn’t want to be that for you, after all? No one can resist such a beautiful person like yourself.” He reaches out a hand to stroke over her cheek with a warm smile on his face. She smiles back at him, although a little shy because of his words.

It warms his heart to see her, and he can’t help but remember the time Yixing told him about her. Yixing had also had nothing but praise for Luhan’s daughter. She is a gem, after all. Which is no wonder with the kind of mother she has and how much love she’s been given her entire life – without it becoming so bad that she would get spoiled. He loves the way she has continued to grow up ever since he met her too, and truly feels like she has become a wonderful person already at twelve years of age.

His heart constricts when he thinks of what this all must be like for her. He thinks one of the reasons why she didn’t have too much trouble accepting the death of her father or the coma of her uncle is because she didn’t see them a lot to begin with due to their job. This thought makes him wonder what she will feel like or think, should he decide to end his relationship with Emma and go back to Yixing, after all. Lilly also has never known about their relationship and he wonders what she will feel about that, too.

She’s important to him, that much is a given. She is also important to Yixing, he knows. If the man will remember, he will most definitely spend time with her. Then again, it was Yifan who had urged him to stating he should carry the burden. But now he had told Emma everything, so was their dynamic going to change at all? Yifan knows Emma won’t hold it against Yixing, but Yixing might feel too embarrassed or awkward to keep in contact. He doesn’t know.

He can only hope that whatever happens, Lilly will still be okay. All of them will still be okay. He feels like he’s probably hoping for too much.


	6. 06:00

Jack sits next to him, Jones and Debussy are on his other side. The Lieutenant sits next to Morrison. They’re sharing stories of the time he’s spent in the special forces with them. He doesn’t remember, but at least he remembers his own name by now. It’s Yixing. Zhang Yixing. He also remembers Luhan. His best friend as well as someone he loved. Memories are slowly starting to come back to him, but random moments only. So far mostly high school and training. Plenty of moments of him and Luhan sneaking away and hiding somewhere in order to spend hours making out. It’s a little strange to find something like that out about himself, so he doesn’t mention it to the others.

The ’video therapy’ Lisa did with him did help jumpstart his memory again, but the accompanying seizure damn near killed him. So they’re doing no more of those – doctor’s orders – and are now trying to further dig up his memories with all kinds of safer methods. One of them is apparently talking with his old team. Or maybe this is more for their sake than for his, from the looks of all their happy faces.

He feels at ease, though, in their company. He feels like he belongs. He also feels like something’s missing – or someone. It’s probably Luhan, the others reassured him. He’s already been told of Luhan’s unfortunate death. His chest aches every time he thinks of it. But more and more he’s starting to feel like it’s not Luhan he misses, but someone else entirely.

“Say, didn’t we use to have another team member?” They all grow quiet, all the faces turning to him in confused expectance. He hesitates, but then continues talking. “A tall, Asian guy. About a head taller than me. Really dark eyes.” He thinks of more to describe the man with, randomly comes up with a close up image of the guy’s lips – or at least he assumes that’s whose lips it are. He decides not to mention that to the others either.

“Ah, the captain,” Morrison luckily agrees with a nod. “Well, he only became the captain after you left. He was Sergeant Major at first. Luhan’s successor.” He knows Morrison doesn’t use ‘replacement’ on purpose. Fellow soldiers are never replaced. Their efforts too valuable for such terms. “He was there too, yes.”

Yixing smiles, glad he remembers correctly. He notices the way everyone’s looking at him rather surprised. It’s Lisa who asks: “You remember him?” He shakes his head lightly, then blinks again and nods.

“Only his face, though. I remember him from the day of the accident. I looked at him before I fell down.” He pauses, hesitates another moment and then asks: “What was his name?”

It’s Morrison again who answers. “Wu Yifan.”

The name makes his head swim with vague images and memories. He has to close his eyes and wait out the sudden rush of memories. His entire world starts to change again with the new set of information he gets. He’s not sure if he likes it very much.

 

He sits on his hospital bed, staring at the window. He wonders where this entire ordeal is leading him. He also wonders how many more times life is going to screw him over. First Luhan refusing to be public with him, then Luhan dying, everything that followed after that. Now him forgetting all of it for a while and then, as he gets it all back, Morrison tells him Yifan’s living with Emma and Lilly now.

He feels pretty done with it all to be honest. The universe can go… Damn, he can’t even think that because he still cares. Time has passed for him, too, it’s not like to him Yifan and him being together was just yesterday, but every memory that returns makes him love Lilly all over again. Every thought of Yifan warms his heart in ways Luhan never even managed to do for him. And then he remembers what Morrison told him and he goes right back to feeling like shit.

So, he’s not really one to be miserable, really, but he also doesn’t know what to do to distract himself from the feelings. He’s still going through revalidation therapy in order to get his muscles on point again, so picking a fight is not an option, and the hospital doesn’t exactly serve alcohol to its patients, eliminating that option as well. Which leaves him with no other option than to look out his window and feel miserable.

Yifan still hasn’t come to visit him again after that first time. Emma and Lilly neither. But Emma did call in to let him know they’d be visiting again soon. He hasn’t told his former team members yet how much he remembers exactly, so he doesn’t have to be afraid of Morrison having told Emma, but he still feels anxious about the meeting. What is he going to say? How is he going to act? He hardly knows how to face Lisa with the truth, let alone Emma, who is now apparently together with Yifan.

He does look forward to seeing Lilly again, though. She’s become so tall and mature. Luhan would have been so proud of her. The thought of his old friend makes his chest ache in ways he wishes he would never have to hurt again. He wonders what things would’ve been like if he’d been able to talk to Luhan now, tell him all of his worries. It brings tears to his eyes just thinking of it and he heaves a deep sigh as he stares at the ever-darkening sky outside of his window.

Someone clears their throat behind him. He whirls around so fast the infuse’s needle almost gets pulled out of his arm. His body clearly still remembers his army training and reflexes. His mind is a bit slower in progressing. Still, he recognises the eyes he comes face to face with almost instantly. It takes him a moment to realise his fists are balled, ready to defend himself. How did he not hear the door?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Yifan stands in the middle of the room, as tall and composed as ever. Yixing belatedly realises he’s sitting there in nothing but the hospital gown, which has opened up due to his movements, revealing his entire lower half. And still Yifan’s just looking at his face and nothing else. Entirely unbothered. Of course. He’s with Emma now. Yixing almost resents her for taking all of his lovers away from him, but he knows it’s not actually her fault.

 

 

Yixing’s been crying. Or at least he’s sad. Yifan is certain of it. He’s never seen tears in the other man’s eyes, but they were there when Yixing turned around to face him. Or whirled, is a better term. He doesn’t realise he’s staring, until Yixing clears his throat and folds the hospital gown to properly cover himself again. The movement startles him back into the present and he shifts to the other foot.

“Uh…” He honestly has no idea what to say now that he’s actually here. “You, uh… I’m… My name is…”

“It’s okay.” Yixing’s voice is so incredibly soft and so incredibly smooth. The sound of it entirely reassuring. He doesn’t know how he’s managed to survive throughout the past four years without ever hearing it. “I remember. Most of it, at least.” The words strike him like lightning. He wonders what the hell he’s supposed to say now, didn’t prepare for this sudden turn of events, to be honest. “Morrison told me about you and Emma, too.” He sees the spark of distress flicker over Yixing’s features, somehow finds joy in the way he can still recognise that. “You, um… Congratulations.”

Maybe the past four years have made him bolder. Maybe he just can’t take the distance between them anymore. He closes it. Goes straight for the bed and wraps his arms around Yixing’s slender form. The feeling is much different from what it used to be, he remembers it clear as day. The scent is different too. But the response is the same. Yixing’s arms come around him instantly, grip tightening around him. Much less strong than it used to be, but the nose that gets nudged into the crook of his neck is so very Yixing he almost starts to cry. Almost.

“I’ve missed you.” He lets those words be all that span the four long years of absence. Yixing breathes against his neck, warm air brushing over his skin. He manages to keep himself together, just continues to hold the other male. Time blurs together. He doesn’t know how long they sit there. He holds Yixing in his arms and Yixing holds him back. Finally.

“Yifan…” His name sounds so wonderful from the other man’s lips. He reluctantly allows the arms to pull away from him and slowly lets go of Yixing when the male moves back to look at him. Their eyes meet for a moment. It becomes a long moment as they both keep looking at each other. Then Yixing seems to remember he was about to say something. “I’m sorry.”

For some reason, Yifan doesn’t like the way those words sound, nor the guilt they imply. He shakes his head. Decisively.

“Don’t apologise. It wasn’t your fault.” He breathes out his own pent up feelings and worries in a deep sigh. “You came out there to find me. Without me you’d never even have been there. So don’t apologise. Not to me. I don’t hold anything against you.”

They look at each other in silence again for a while. Eventually Yixing nods, accepting his words. He knows it’s not just pretend, because even after four years he still _knows_ Yixing and the way he works. It hasn’t changed, after all. The relief slowly sizzles through his entire body. They share a tentative smile. He wonders about all the things that could be. Then remembers what can’t.

He looks away. Yixing, at the same time, leans in.

 

The veranda he sits in is dark, lit up only by the light of the stars that sparkle in the night sky outside. The entire house seems asleep together with its inhabitants, only Yifan is seated in one of the armchairs looking out into the night. His breathing is slow and even, his chest rising and falling with the rhythm of his life. His eyes are not seeing the world in front of him, instead he is seeing things that are long past. Eventually, he sees the thing that hasn’t passed very long ago at all.

The peace and quiet of the house is disturbed when the kitchen light goes on behind him. He knows from the footfall that it’s Lilly making her way over to him. Bless her sweet, little soul. She probably was thirsty again in the middle of the night, came down to get herself a drink of water. He closes his eyes and smiles warmly at just the thought of her. She’s precious. Oh so precious. He knows she will see the back of his head peak out over the armchair and she will come into the veranda as well.

It doesn’t take long for the door to be opened, confirming his thoughts. It’s only a second later that her voice sounds up, hesitantly and not too loud, careful not to wake her mother – even though Emma is on the first floor sound asleep, most probably. “Funfan? What are you still doing here?”

She rounds the armchair and steps into his view, her eyes focused on him, her forehead creased with her beginning concern. He smiles at her warmly, then reaches out an arm. She moves to come sit on his lap without a single doubt, gently cuddling into the curve of his arm and resting her head against his shoulder. He turns slightly to be able to give a kiss in her hair, then wraps his second arm around her too and cuddles her close to him.

“I went to see your uncle Yixing earlier tonight,” he tells her quietly. “He told me he has regained most of his memories.” Lilly doesn’t have to speak for him to feel her excitement at the news. He knows she’s brimming with curiosity, but to her credit she keeps quiet, as if allowing him to continue saying what it is he wants to say of his own accord. “I’m sure your mother will take you to see him again soon. You’ll be able to tell him everything now.”

There’s more silence, he feels the excitement change into a different kind of tense that he doesn’t exactly recognise from her. It makes him frown a bit, clearing the warm smile of earlier from his face. But he doesn’t pry, instead gives her the time she has just given him and waits for what it is she will say about the sudden shift in her mood.

“Are we going to have to leave your house again now, Funfan?” The question startles him. He doesn’t know why she would suddenly have such a strange idea. He wants to ask her about it, deny her words at all cost and make sure she knows he’d never kick her out, but she speaks again before he can even utter a word. “Are you going to go back to being with uncle Yixing?”

 

 

Morrison has a very tight grip. Yixing knows because there are bruises on his arms from where Jack took hold of him after hearing he remembers. He makes sure not to show the lingering pain to his current visitor, however. The worried frown on Emma's face is bad enough already. He doesn't want to add to it. Although he knows her current worry has nothing to do with his wellbeing but more so with her own relationship status, he presumes.

One of the first things she'd informed him of after entering was that Yifan had told her everything. Not just about him remembering or their relationship, but also of his relationship with Luhan - even during the time Luhan had been married to Emma. It's been awkwardly silent ever since. Clearly Emma also doesn't really know where to go from here. He can't blame her because he has no clue himself.

“I don't hate you, you know,” she speaks softly. He notices the hesitation as she somewhat avoids his gaze. He doesn't exactly try to catch hers either. Perhaps they are not meant to be comfortable with each other. Perhaps their relationship will always be a strained one - due to their involvement with the same men. He closes his eyes momentarily right as she speaks again. “I'm actually glad. That you were there. That at least Lilly still has you. And thanks to you, Yifan too.”

He tries not to think of who else has Yifan thanks to him and how bitter he really feels because of that. He properly focuses his gaze on Emma this time and finds her looking back at him as well. He thinks of something to say but there isn't much - hardly anything at all, really. So they end up just looking at each other for a while. Quietly, tentatively, as if gauging each other.

“He still loves you.” A fact she clearly doesn't doubt in the least. He doesn't know if it's really true. After all, he vividly remembers the way Yifan awkwardly pulled away from the kiss he'd initiated just a few days ago. “The only reason he ever even tried with me was because he was convinced you weren't going to wake up again.” He doesn't really want to hear these things, but then he does. “And now he's having a hard time because you're back and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to hurt either of us.”

She turns quiet again. He can't help but heave a deep sigh. Emma still looks at him. He wonders what might go through her head, how she might feel about the entire situation. He probably won't ever know. They're not close enough for him to ask her directly, after all. “Whatever happens next...” Her breath hitches. She's clearly convinced Yifan will leave her. He's not. “Please remain a part of Lilly's life. She loves you.” A pause. “We both do. You're a wonderful friend, Yixing.”

He realises then how much Emma actually cares for him, from the brim of tears in her eyes and the way she keeps looking at him regardless. He can only imagine how betrayed she must have felt finding out about him and Luhan. He can only imagine all she has had to endure. He realises then that he is far from the only one affected by all that has happened, and that there are those worse off than him even. He feels guilty, most of all.

“Yixing, I'm so sorry.” He barely manages to lift his arms in time to catch Emma when she lets herself fall against him, sobbing. He needs several moments to process what exactly is happening, but then decides that he owes it to her to comfort her if she comes to him for it.

 

Somehow, he now finds himself in a most unexpected position and situation. But he's also really comfortable for some reason. With a sigh, he repositions his arms around Emma's middle. She shifts against his side. “Am I getting too heavy?” He hums, shakes his head, tightens his hold reassuringly.

“No, not at all.” She settles again, clearly content with his response. He doesn't exactly know what they've reached now. A sort of mutual understanding, despite the fact that he hasn't said very much. She's done most of the talking, really. But apparently she knows a lot about the way he works and thinks. From things Luhan told her, most probably. Somehow it makes him feel glad, being able to share the memory of Luhan with someone who knew him almost just as well.

He has none of the bitter feeling left for her by now, after everything she's told him. Of her own insecurities about how close Luhan and him used to be. Of personal feelings and emotions that he would never even try to communicate towards the mistress of his ex-lover, to be honest. But most of all she's told him of how much she cares for him and loves him, and doesn't want to lose the one other person who remembers Luhan as she did - much like how he feels.

So there he is, a little funnily lying on his own hospital bed together with her, watching some program on the TV. It's funny, really, the more he thinks about it. He wonders what Yifan would think if the older male would walk in on them lying there. He can already imagine the surprised and shocked expression on Yifan's face. It brings an amused smile to his own expression, and he basks momentarily in the lightness of that feeling.

The longer he sits there with her, the more comfortable he gets. Letting out a sigh, he shifts a bit again, and Emma easily rolls more into his side. It feels nice, somehow, to be able to do this, to have someone as a comfortable friend knowing there’s nothing more going on than that. He thinks of all the times he hadn’t understood how Luhan could keep up his married life. But if it was simply more of this, every day, it doesn’t seem so bad in the end.

“I’m going to tell him we’re done.” She says it so casually, like she’s telling him she’s going grocery shopping or something. He tenses up, guilt instantly filling him again. As he moves to sit up straighter, Emma looks at him questioningly. He breathes out a sigh.

“I… Don’t want to come between you, Emma.” He realises he really doesn’t when he says it. She huffs at his words, like it’s the biggest nonsense she’s ever heard.

“This is not because of you, Yixing. This is…” She sighs, sits up straight too. “I’ve been married to a guy who only wanted me as a cover, apparently. I’ve made peace with the past, but that doesn’t mean I want to be in an alike situation again. Maybe it’s a stupid idea for a single mother to have, but I’d like someone who wants just me, who doesn’t have any doubts. Yifan clearly does.” She sighs, shrugs. “And I deserve better than that.”

“You do!” He speaks with more conviction than intended. Emma starts to chuckle a little at him. He makes a face, but then laughs a bit too. “You really do, though. You’re a really great person. And Luhan did also love you. Yifan loves you. I’m sure there’s plenty of guys out there who won’t have any trouble picking you and only you.” A pause. “Well, and Lilly too, of course.” He takes hold of her hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. She smiles at him gratefully.

Somehow, he feels like this friendship is going to last a long time.

 

 

Yifan’s entire life is jumbled upside down. He doesn’t even know yet what happened exactly. Well, he knows, but he can’t seem to process it properly. He’s still stuck on the part where Emma told him she’s leaving him again. With Lilly. Although they’ll stay friends, apparently, and he can keep seeing Lilly. But the relationship is over. And why? Because she thinks he has doubts about who he really wants to be with, romantically.

Well, it’s true, but he’s never voices any of them out, so how can she know? A deep sigh, when he realises his own thought process. It doesn’t matter how she knows, it just matters that he does have doubts. And he shouldn’t. Not in a good relationship. Not this level of doubts, and this level of feelings for another person. There is only one person in the world that could ever have made him have doubts, and apparently he’s just been released from the hospital a few hours ago, a text from Morrison tells him.

He’s all for Yixing being able to walk on his own again, albeit with the use of a crutch still most probably, but the timing couldn’t have been any worse. Like the universe is mocking him. He remembers Lilly’s question, how shocked he’d that she’d known of Yixing and him, and how he had told her he was not entirely sure what would happen but that he’d never leave her behind entirely. He also remembers Emma stating he should talk to Yixing, that they both deserve it.

Going back to war seems like a better idea to him right now.

The doorbell rings. He ignores it. It rings again. Twice more before he’s out of his office chair, almost storming over to his front door and yanking it open. “What the hell do you want!?”

Yixing looks at him with that calm and composed expression he’s gotten so used to almost six years ago now. The neutral façade could hide any sort of actual emotion underneath. Yifan never quite managed to find any tell-tale signs of which emotion it is exactly at a particular moment. Still, his heart does a double take. His mind stops wondering. The entire world stops and revolves around nothing more than the person opposite of him, who looks so familiar that the mere sight of him feels like a reassurance.

“Hello.” Yixing’s voice, still as smooth as before. “I was wondering if we could talk.” He stares for a little longer, then nods and steps aside. Yixing passes him by to head inside. He recognises the clothes the other male’s wearing from back in the day, Yixing’s favourite clothes. The all too familiar scent of Yixing’s preferred deodorant hits him a moment later. As if just like old times. He closes the door again and locks it. When he turns around, Yixing’s face is way too close for comfort, especially since Yifan thought his visitor would have continued to the living room. Clearly not.

“I love you, Wu Yifan.” A softly spoken confession. It rattles him to his core. “Never stopped. Started again. Whatever you want to call it. I love you and I want to be with you. For as long as I can. For as long as you’ll let me. Push me away again and I’ll go, I’ll be just an old friend, nothing more.” A pause. He doesn’t know how to feel about this. He’s feeling everything at once, really. “But I hope, I truly hope, with all my heart, that you won’t.”

The façade breaks. Yifan recognises the eyes of someone who is baring their soul when he searches Yixing’s face for the truth. He is being shown every little, vulnerable part of the other male, perfectly laid out for him to trample all over should he so want to. The next moment, Yixing starts moving. He’s leaning in. Then, a split second later, Yifan realises they both are.

 

“Never pegged you for the vodka type, Wu.” He laughs, revels in the familiarity of how his surname rolls off Yixing’s tongue. Even memories of the war don’t seem to bother him as much right now as they usually would. All he can see is Yixing’s grin and the way his living room lights are reflected in the other man’s eyes. He almost feels like all is right in the world again.

“Only after the war.” His voice is much darker than his laugh earlier would have made anyone think it would be. He breathes out a sigh, then turns his attention to his own glass. To Yixing’s praise, he doesn’t even ask. No ‘what happened to you back then, Yifan?’ like most of his old friends had asked after his return. Just an arm wrapped around his shoulders and a kiss pressed to his temple.

“Whenever you’re ready. I’m here. Even if you never are. I’ll still be here.” He wonders what kind of great thing he ever did to deserve Yixing, can only come up with all the people he’s hurt and pained throughout his lifetime. Another kiss ghosts the back of his neck. He shivers lightly at the tickle of Yixing’s breath that follows. “I love you.”

Once again the words explode inside of his chest like a goddamn fireworks festival. He closes his eyes and thinks of all the things he’s never been able to do because of the damn war and its consequences. He sucks in a deep breath, feels the arm tighten its hold comfortingly.

“I love you too, Yixing.” A pause. Some of the pressure gets lifted off of his chest, breathing seems to become a little easier. He wonders how one man can have such an immense effect on a person. “I’ve loved you for years. I’m so glad you woke up again. I’m so glad you’re not gone forever.” His voice cracks so he stops talking for a moment, clears his throat and tries again. “Damn, Zhang, you turn me into a blubbering fool.”

The arm tightens a little more. A second arm is put around him too. He closes his eyes and leans into the hold, allows himself to let go of all the sadness he’d been holding on to inside of himself. Another kiss is pressed to his temple, Yixing’s voice comes close next to his ear. A whisper follows. “ _My_ blubbering fool.”

There aren’t even enough words in the world to try and explain what that statement does to him. It’s cheesy and cringeworthy to the max, but he doesn’t even feel any of those things. He swallows hard, arms automatically coming up to wrap themselves around the other male. He hugs Yixing as close to him as is humanly possible.

“Thank you for saving me, Wu Yifan.”

It’s funny, but he feels like he’s the one who should be thanking Yixing, not the other way around. Unable to produce any more words, however, he just moves his head in order to be able to kiss the younger man. Hoping to convey everything he wishes to say through physical means instead.


	7. 07:00

“Uncle Yixing!” He figures perhaps he shouldn’t be as glad as he is to see the excitement and happiness on Lilly’s face, but he is. The smile on his own face automatically widens and he opens his arms to catch her in them. She’s grown, tremendously. He still remembers her as the nine-year-old, but here she is now, well on her way to becoming a beautiful young woman. He still catches her in a strong hug, though, sweeps her off her feet and spins her around.

She’s laughing. He remembers the way she looks at him from how she used to look at Luhan all those years ago, whenever she would see him again after a long mission. He feels awed, to be on the receiving end of that much love. Doesn’t entirely know either what he owes that to. Still, he can do nothing better than bask in it. In all the love he gets from her, in all the love he gets from everyone around him now.

Emma comes out of the house too, when he puts Lilly down, smiling warmly at him and coming over for a quick hug of her own. He doesn’t hesitate in the slightest as he hugs her back.

“How did it go?” She asks him. He frowns, unsure what she’s talking about since all he’d been able to do so far is hug Lilly. “Did you manage to talk to him?” He realises then that this is not at all about Lilly, but more so about the man who holds all their affections. So, he gives a short nod, lets go and faces the woman with a small, still somewhat uneasy, smile.

“We’re, uh…” He doesn’t know how to say this the nice way, because no matter how he formulates it, he’ll be telling Emma that Yifan chose to be with him over being with her. “…reconnecting.” The response is a loud, amused laugh, Emma turning to her daughter and motioning towards him with a waving motion of her hand.

“Grab hold of your uncle and bring him inside, Lilly. It’s time to show him everything he’s missed over the past couple years while he was busy taking a nap.” The words are clearly playful, but Yixing still feels uneasy upon hearing them. He turns to look over at Lilly with a small, worried frown.

“You. It’s you. I’ve missed you, my little flower. You know that right?” He makes sure to tell her. “And I’d love to hear all about all the other things I’ve missed. Tell me. How do you like school? Any cute boys? Or are boys still ew?” Lilly rolls her eyes at him, and for a moment he is painfully reminded of how Luhan would always say that he’d lose his daughter to puberty once she would start rolling her eyes at him. But then Lilly hooks her arm through his and starts pulling him towards the house.

“Daddy always said it’s not about how cute boys are, it’s about how nice they are to me.” Somehow he is relieved, to hear this confirmation that Lilly still loves her father the way she used to. That apparently Yifan nor Emma have divulged anything about his relationship with Luhan to the young girl at the very least. So, he follows her inside, revels in the fact that she’s not letting go of his arm the entire way and that the minute they’re inside, she’s already excitedly pulling him along to where her room is so she can show off all her great decorations as well as ‘the desk mom bought me look at this!’

 

“How’s Lilly?” Yifan’s waiting for him when he gets home. He smiles warmly, nods his head.

“She’s good. Emma invited us over to dinner next week.” He sees the same surprise appear on Yifan’s face that he’d felt himself when Emma had suggested it, and can’t help but laugh at his lover’s face. “Yes, she’s very sure about the offer, I double checked.” Letting out a little chuckle, he takes hold of Yifan’s hand and pulls him along to the couch, so that they can both sit down in it next to each other.

“You want to go?” Yifan sounds unsure, but Yixing just nods.

“I think we really should. Lilly is going to love it. And you can’t allow yourself to get awkward with Emma. It would be a waste of a good friendship. Besides, you’re going to be seeing her as long as you want to keep seeing Lilly. And I think that’s a long time still.” He keeps his gaze on Yifan until the tall male nods.

“I’d love to be able to see her for a long time still, yes. Better let Emma know we’re coming for that dinner.” Yixing grins mischievously.

“I already did. I agreed the moment I realised she was serious about the offer.” He watches Yifan’s expression turn surprised first, then amused.

“You’re a sneaky little bastard, aren’t you?” He laughs. Yifan does too. He feels lighter than he has in a very long time.

“Yes I am,” he agrees, letting his hand snake down Yifan’s leg. The next moment Yifan’s leaning in, kissing him. He’s surprised by the sudden action, but doesn’t try to object. Instead, he gladly kisses back. His hand easily sneaks up to Yifan’s side, his eyes closing as he just allows his hands to become fully familiar again with Yifan’s shape. He soon finds there are plenty of new scars to discover on the other male’s upper body, but doesn’t think to mention them. Eventually they break for air.

“I’ve missed you,” he admits breathlessly. The response is a kiss on his temple. Yifan is not a man of many words, he realises then, not anymore. But it feels okay because he has become one instead. “I love you. Every grumpy looking piece of you. All your wounds and scars. I love you.” He allows his hands to gently brush over Yifan’s chest, quiet and loving. Yifan’s looking at him in a particular kind of way that he’s never seen before, but he doesn’t ask. He decides to grant the older male the same courtesy that Yifan gave him all those years ago; to not ask unless it’s clear that asking will help make things better.

“You… I don’t know why they decided I was allowed to have you again. After everything I did…” Yifan looks heartbroken for a moment, so guilty and vulnerable. He can’t do anything other than lean in and hug the older male to him gently.

“I’m here, Yifan. I don’t know what you did or what you feel so horrible about, but I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” He runs his fingers through soft hair and pretends not to notice how tears start staining his shirt while he’s at it.

 

 

It’s getting dark, but there’s no quiet. The sound of battle is all around him, the world seemingly falling apart. Rapid gunfire mingled with shouting and explosions fill the air. There is fighting everywhere. He’s a big part of it, too. Gun in hand, he’s shooting at everyone wearing enemy colours. It doesn’t matter anymore who they are or what they look like, the enemy gets no more sympathy from him. Not after what they did to his team. To…

His feet swiftly lead him through the rubble, over the remnants of a garden wall and right into the midst of a group of enemies. He doesn’t hesitate, just shoots them all down. There’s a few shots fired at him too, but none of them hit. He continues on his path. Debussy joins at his right, Jones to the left as they advance further into enemy territory. There is no hesitation in his step. He’s going to make them pay.

Their next attack is just as successful, but the enemy seems to realise their movement patterns. Suddenly there is a grenade coming at them. It’s too late to throw it back, but he shouts to run for cover. As he jumps behind a block of debris, he notices the other two are diving away too. The world comes apart with a blast that seems to rattle his bones.

He jolts awake with a loud cry, shooting upward and throwing the rubble off of himself. His heart is raging, his breathing heavy. A soft touch on his hand makes him snap his head to look at what it is. Yixing’s sleepy eyes look back at him.

He’s home. In bed. It takes a moment longer to fully realise that fact. Yixing seems to know not to try too much because he waits with leaning in until Yifan’s shoulders relax. There is a certain sense of understanding in the way Yixing kisses his cheeks, softly. Then his forehead, nose, eyes. His lips eventually get a kiss too. By the time Yixing’s lips reach his neck, he’s smiling softly and lovingly. Sneaking an arm around the shorter male, Yifan lets out a content sigh, feeling the rest of the tension seep out of his body.

The lips almost instantly return to his once he unwinds. This time he kisses back for a moment, eyes closing, a clear sign of trust. Yixing shifts slightly, wrapping an arm around him too. The soft kisses are soon continued. From his neck to his shoulder in a teasing line. He remembers how uncertain he’d always felt about his scars around Emma. Not with Yixing. He doesn’t even hesitate with taking his shirt off. He knows Yixing will keep him safe. Even from his own demons.

“I love you.” He breathes the words against Yixing’s shoulder. The response is another kiss on his skin.

 

“Please talk to me.” Yixing’s voice breaks and Yifan’s heart along with it. But he can’t even talk. He can hardly breathe. He doesn’t know how to tell his body to cooperate and do what he needs it to do. He certainly doesn’t know how to let Yixing know any of that, when he’s almost choking on the breaths he’s trying so desperately to take.

Suddenly everything disappears and all his attention focuses on the hands on his face and the lips kissing his. He grows still, even the tremors stop shaking through his body. When eventually the kiss is broken again, he takes a proper, deep breath. He comes eye to eye with Yixing, but can only look at the other male a little dazed. His lungs automatically fill themselves with air again, like they’re supposed to.

“Better?” Yixing’s voice is soft now, like a gentle caress. Yifan feels the younger male’s breathing ghost against his lips. He nods his head lightly, then smiles softly, because he can’t help himself. Yixing’s return smile is vibrant. “You want to tell me about it? If you can…” He takes in a few careful breaths, making sure his lungs are still cooperating.

“After you… Fell. I went crazy. I shot every enemy I could see. I lost control. There was no logic or strategy – or even necessity. By the end it was just pure and simple violence.” He swallows hard. “I was so ashamed when I came back home. So scarred by what had happened.” He’s quiet for a moment, considering. Then he smiles a bit sheepishly. “I even went through therapy because I suffered from PTSD.” He knows he doesn’t have to explain, Yixing will understand.

The younger male’s gaze is still soft. There is indeed no judgement, only sympathy. Maybe even understanding. Yifan can only feel grateful for the change Yixing underwent all those years ago. He doesn’t think he could have dealt with the aggressive, violent version of his lover anymore. Then again, if Yixing had stayed that way, he would never have left the team and things would have progressed entirely different. He doesn’t want to think about whether they would’ve been better or worse.

“I don’t know why it became this bad again, though.” He speaks the words softly but honestly. It’s the third time he’s having a panic attack in the same number of weeks. Yixing reaches out, lets his fingers brush his cheek. He feels the warmth ignite inside of him.

“Probably because I remind you of it.” But Yixing doesn’t pull away after saying those words and Yifan is grateful for that. Instead, he soon receives another kiss. “I’m here. You didn’t lose me to any of it.” Somehow those words make him feel much more at ease and he nods lightly.

“I…” He doesn’t know how to word what’s inside of him, except in overused words. But Yixing nods despite his silence.

“I know. Me too.”

 

 

“Zhang, just be straight with us.” Morrison’s seemingly demanding answers but Yixing knows it’s all in good faith. He grins lightly, then shrugs his shoulders. A collective groan erupts from his former team members. The Lieutenant sits a little end away, smiling. Yixing feels himself smile back at her. A sense of understanding and camaraderie has settled between them seemingly permanently now.

“I can’t very much be straight if I’m dating him, right?” He states. It’s a bad joke and he knows it. His former team members perk up in expectancy, but he merely shrugs his shoulders lightly without revealing more. “But I’m not saying I am dating him, either. That would imply I’m dating a co-worker. I was told I could get fired for that, you know.” Morrison makes a face. It’s Lisa who speaks next.

“Actually, Captain Wu has officially been hired as a strategist. Which means you two are no longer working in the same department and are not considered co-workers when it comes to that particular rule you brought up.” Yixing grins, then looks back at the still expectant faces of the people around him.

“Well,” he starts, purposefully pausing a second before he continues. “I guess that means I’m officially off the streets guys.” The whooping is instant, all three of his former team members instantly congratulating him, patting his shoulders and telling him what a good job he’s done. The grin on his face is permanent and he laughs heartily at their joking. Lisa just gives him a small nod from where she’s sitting. He knows she’s very happy for him.

“There’s the star of the day!” Jones calls out moments later. All heads turn to look at Yifan who’s walking up to them unbeknownst to their previous conversation. The tall male’s expression turns confused at the attention he’s getting. Yixing can only chuckle warmly. He mouths a ‘prepare yourself’ right on time before the rest of their former team gangs up on Yifan get their congratulations in with the captain as well. The sight brings both Lisa and him to laughter.

“My friend, I can’t thank you enough!” Debussy states completely serious. “I figured if he was going to be single for much longer I was going to have to learn the art of picking up guys just so I could find the man a decent shag.” Everyone laughs. Yixing makes a face after a moment, but Debussy is relentless. “You’re getting old, captain, it couldn’t be helped.” More laughter ensues and Yixing joins in happily, lifting his glass to his fellow soldier.

“I’ll drink to that.” He says, smiling lightly before turning more serious. “To getting old and to those who didn’t get a chance to do so.” The rest joins him in his toast and for a moment it’s quiet as they all reminisce the old days and the people they’ve lost along the way.

“So, captain, what’s next for you?” Jones soon asks him. “Are you going to come back to active duty?” He smiles but shakes his head almost straight away.

“Not everyone is capable of keeping up with that as you and Debussy do,” he admits easily. “I have been reinstated, but I’ll stay at base, training the new recruits.” He suddenly thinks of something. “I guess that means I will be working with our tall friend here. Forget that thing I said about streets and being off them, guys.” He grins, the others laugh. Yifan puts an arm around him.

“If they want to fire me for dating you they should. I’m not hiding it anymore. I’d rather give up my job again than you.” The words pull a collective set of whoops from their friends again. Yixing smiles warmly at Yifan and leans in for a kiss.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

Yixing looks up from the mountain of paperwork to face Lisa, who is looking at him with a particular expression that doesn’t forebode anything he’s going to like.

“Sure. But I reserve the right not to answer to the question.” He sends her a small, amused smile which she answers with one of her own.

“Were you and Luhan involved with each other?” Although unexpected, the question doesn’t fill him with as much dread as it once would have, so long ago. He puts his pen down and folds his hands on the desk in front of him.

“Yes.” There’s no point in lying anymore. The only person he doesn’t want to find out about it at this point is Lilly and Lisa is involved with neither her nor Emma anyway. “Why do you ask?” Lisa seems surprised about his honesty, staying quiet for a moment before she gets herself to answer him in turn.

“I recognised the expression on your face. You used to look at Luhan like that when you thought no one was looking.” She smiles. He sees the warmth in her expression. “I’m glad you don’t have to hide it anymore. You look really good these days, Yixing. Happy, I mean. I’m glad you got this chance.” He returns her smile, suddenly feeling very fond of the Lieutenant.

“Me too, boss.” They share an amused smile over the old title. Yixing’s gaze lingers on Lisa for a moment longer before he focuses his attention back on the paperwork. The earlier silence falls between them again. Yixing’s entire attention is soon occupied once more, so when Lisa speaks it takes him a moment to process what she’s saying.

“I’m getting married in the fall.” He lifts his head, looking at her a little dumbly for a moment as he tries to make sense of what’s going on. Then a happy smile breaks through on his face and he smiles at her brightly. He doesn’t stay behind his desk this time, but gets up so he can go over to her and give her a hug.

“Congratulations! I didn’t even know you were seeing someone. Do we know him?” He’s all smiles and excitement, happy to know that Lisa’s life is going good places too.

“No, you probably don’t. She’s someone I met at home. That’s where we’re getting married, too.” He takes a moment to alter his image of Lisa’s significant other to that of a woman, then remembers that the Lieutenant is actually from rather far away. “If you want, I’d like you to come to the wedding. You can bring Yifan too, of course.” He sees her take hold of an envelope almost hesitantly, as if she’s not sure whether he’d be alright with it.

“Naturally!” He exclaims, reaching out his hand to what he assumes is an invitation. “We’re going to be in desperate need of a holiday by the time fall comes around, so it’ll be the perfect excuse.” His grin is amused and happy, but when Lisa puts the invitation in his hand he grows more serious again.

“I’m really happy for you, Lisa.” He still remembers the last asshole she was with. An emotionally manipulative asshole that took her several years to fully be rid of. “I wish you all the best.”

 

 

Admittedly it’s a little weird to see Emma again. Even more so because they’re acting like nothing ever happened between them. But as they’re watching Yixing and Lilly play in the garden it’s hard not to laugh together at those two’s crazy antics. And it feels very good too, to sit there with everyone he loves nearby. He truly can’t complain.

“You look good, Yifan.” He turns his head to Emma when she speaks, a little surprised, admittedly. She’s looking at him with a warm smile. He recognises the love in her eyes, notices the absence of hurt. He can’t help but feel relieved that she seems to have handled it all so well. Her smile widens upon his silence.

“Are you wondering whether you should try to be polite and tell me you’ve been better considering what happened between us?” The question is asked teasingly. He hugs out a smile, then shakes his head lightly.

“No, actually not.” He feels his own awkwardness disappear because of the ease with which she speaks. “Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever been better than I am right now.” He realises how that sounds, but can’t get himself to apologise because it’s true. Lisa lets out an amused laughter, but then nods her head.

“I think so too,” she agrees. Perhaps a little too easily. “I knew you before you lost him, too. It was a world of difference.” Her expression turns serious, he feels nervous for a moment. “I guess I always kind of knew… That if you were ever going to get him back, I was going to have to give you up.” There’s a hint of sadness in her smile at those words. Yifan wishes he could wipe it away. But then her face clears again. “But well, now I have two great guys in my life again. I can’t complain.”

He returns her smile, reaches out to gently take hold of her hand. He doesn’t actually say he’s there for her, but he knows she got the memo. After a moment, he gives her hand a gentle squeeze. They exchange a slow smile filled with mutual understanding before he lets go. The next moment Lilly almost catapults herself on top of his lap and he can’t help the cough that is pulled from him at the impact.

“Hello to you too,” he states to the girl, chuckling amused. Yixing walks back to them as well, clearly having known of the girl’s plan.

“It’s a good thing these wooden chairs are pretty solid or you might have fallen through altogether.” The comment makes Lilly laugh, and when she laughs, the rest of them do too. It feels great to be in such a relaxed atmosphere. His gaze locks with Yixing’s, who smiles at him warmly as well. In his mind he hears Emma tell him how different he was before and after losing Yixing. He tries to remember how he felt when he thought Yixing would never wake up again. He doesn’t even manage to feel that desperation again.

“Fanfan, will you play with me now?” His attention instantly returns to Lilly at her question. He admires her playful spirit in a world filled with technology and all the other things people have to keep them busy with that don’t require the physical exercise.

“Of course, pumpkin,” he responds easily, waiting for her to get off his lap so he can go into the garden with her. As he passes Yixing by, he is momentarily stopped for a kiss.

He smiles the rest of the afternoon.

 

“Are you okay?” He asks this of Yixing rather randomly, wondering if the other male is truly doing alright after everything that has happened. The response comes in a long, quiet look that eventually makes him speak again. “I just want to make sure that you’re good. That there’s nothing bothering you or nothing you’d like to change.” He lets out a soft sigh. “I’m probably overreacting. A little too paranoid.”

Yixing starts to smile at that. One of those warm, amused smiles Yifan is sure he could just sit and look at for hours on end. So, he does. Just gazing, drinking in the details of his lover’s face, feeling warm at the sight of it. “I’m good, Yifan.” Yixing tells him. “They told me I can start doing my usual routine again at the gym. Everything is falling into place. I have you. I have Lilly, Emma, Lisa, the guys.” He sees the calm in Yixing’s gaze and knows the other male is speaking the truth.

“What about you?” The question follows unexpectedly. “Are you good? Nothing you regret? Nothing you’d like to be different?” He wonders about it, about everything that has happened. About everything he still holds inside of himself. For a moment, he truly stops to think about how he feels. In the entire spectrum of things, he quietly reflects on nothing but his own being.

“There are things I regret,” he admits softly after a moment. “The war, mostly. The lost time. Some things I said and did.” He tilts his head lightly. “But I’m good now.” His gaze automatically moves over to Yixing and he smiles lightly. “I’m good now.”

The response is another one of those warm smiles. He doesn’t just stare this time, but moves to close the distance between them. Slipping his arms around Yixing’s middle, he glances down at his lover’s face with a smile of his own.

“You are still so handsome,” he admits in a low tone. “From the very first time I saw you in that bar I thought you were handsome.” His smile widens a little. “The most handsome man I had ever seen.” A grin then. “What a disappointment when I got to know you and you turned out to be an ass.” The grin on his face is soon mirrored on Yixing’s as well. “I’m glad you grew out of that. You became just as handsome as your face.” His grin turns playful and amused, until Yixing leans in and kisses it off his lips.

“I learned from the best.” The words are whispered against his skin moreso than spoken aloud. They fill him with a warmth and gratitude he could never put into words. Yixing’s hand rests on his chest. He lets go with one arm to be able to take hold of it and bring it to his lips for a gentle kiss. When their gazes meet, he can’t help but lean in.

The kiss is soft yet solid. Filled with warmth and love, while at the same time asking for more. His hands automatically caress Yixing’s body and he feels his lover do the same to him. As they move closer to the bed, he comes undone along with his clothes, baring every tattered part of himself for the man who’s placing soft kisses on every single one of his insecurities, coaxing them to leave.

He takes Yixing apart much the same way, pouring love into all the broken pieces he finds in hopes of mending the whole back together that way. When they are done, he has never felt more secure.

And he has never felt more complete.


	8. 08:00 - 00:00

It’s been months since he woke from his coma. Almost a year already, yet this is the first time he’s returning to this particular place. It’s been over six years since he was here last, but he doesn’t really understand why. Because now that he’s actually standing there, all the memories flood in like a movie of some of their finest moments together that he can’t help but smile at.

He walks over to one of the seats. To his surprise, Ayla seems to still work here. He smiles at her and after a moment recognition seems to hit her. He relishes in the delight on her face, then quietly explains that the reason it’s been so long is because Luhan has died. She’s clearly shaken, but comes to bring him his coffee anyway. He quietly looks at the cup, remembering.

For a moment he can almost see Luhan sitting opposite of him. He breathes out a soft sigh. “I miss you,” he states in their mother tongue. They always used it here so no one would understand their conversations. He’s glad Ayla is busy with other customers so she doesn’t return to him. He contemplates all the things he wishes he could say, then has to close his eyes for a minute to keep control over his emotions.

“It has been too long since I last was able to talk to you. I miss sharing my life with you. I miss being together with you. I always felt so free with you. Ready to take flight. The youthfulness of our relationship was so precious to me. Nothing will ever compare to all those years of my life that were you.” He goes quiet, realises he’s talking to a steaming cup of coffee. The thought pulls a chuckle from his lips. He breathes out a smile and picks the cup up to take a sip of the hot beverage.

“There are so many things I wish I could have shared with you, my friend.” He puts the cup back onto the saucer. “The growth of your daughter, mostly. She’s beautiful. She’s strong and kind. You will never lose her. She loves you more than the world. And I will judge anyone she brings home by your standards. I will take care of her for you, Han.” He smiles at the thought of Lilly: bright, vibrant and young.

When he looks up, his eyes find the sight of a familiar car. “I’ve found someone new. He’s been there for me through the challenging times. After I lost you, and after I lost myself for a while. He understands me. I understand him. We’ve both been through a lot. I think we’re healing each other. Slowly but surely.” He smiles again when a thought hits him. “You would have liked him a lot too.”

He lifts his hand to wave and gives a reassuring nod at Yifan through the window of the diner. The smile brightens when Lilly appears next to the tall male and he waves at her too. He starts to dig for money in his pocket, while simultaneously motioning to the two of them that he will be coming outside to them.

“We’re going for dinner tonight. All of us. I’ll tell her of our dinners. The good ones. I’ll tell her of you. Of the type of man her father was. I told Yifan too. He knows all about you now.” He puts the money on the table. “I’ll be okay. I will always miss you. I will always love you, us. But I will live a good life without you, too. So, this is goodbye, my friend. Until I see you again.”

He gets up from his seat and leaves the half empty cup of coffee behind for a friend who will never be able to drink it, walking towards the two most important people in his life now.

And he knows now, and he accepts it, and is glad for it too.

The world goes on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And once again we have come to the end of a piece.  
> As always, I could have probably continued from here, but as it has already taken me almost a month to get this chapter up, I think it is better for me to end things at this point, where everything seems to come together nicely in my mind.  
> Whoever you are, thank you for having read this unbeta-ed piece of angst riddled with love (or the other way around). I appreciate every read, every comment, every kudos.  
> Thank you for sticking with me through my stories and I hope this one didn't disappoint you.  
> With love~♥


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